Men need to talk more about women's issues

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I am not on a feminist agenda. In fact, I don't even have an agenda. For a dreadfully long time I have observed and what I am going to talk about is an opinion I have formed based on these observations (and experiences).

When I was in high school, I used to take the public transport from school to home and back. The school itself is located in a city - the regular kind, bustling with activity. I am talking about the 90's here. One day, as I was walking down the road (like a lot of other school kids in bunches) towards the bus stop, two men, on a scooter came and grabbed by breasts, for a split second. They raced away with a sneer on their face. 

For a moment, I was shocked. Then confused. Then shamed.

In an instant, my dignity was broken to pieces. And yet this was just one of the numerous (it bothers me to tell I cant even count) such incidents I have encountered in my life as a woman in India. I chose not to talk about this to my parents, boyfriend, friends or anyone I am close to. Well, flash news, groping is an everyday state of affairs in India - we just shrug about it and get on with our lives.

And nearly 15 years after that incident, I see this problem aggravating and spilling into other forms - savage rapes, brutal assaults and much more. Which makes this incident that I narrated seem so trivial. Every woman in India has gone through some form of abuse. Get me one woman who has not and I will tell you she has been phenomenally lucky. That would be a miracle.

I am not playing the victim card here. Hell no. There is something more deeper that has been nagging me for years. And that is the apparent apathy of men (and women) towards violence, assault and abuse targeted at women. 

About 6 months ago, I happened to have a conversation with few of my male co-workers. They were contemplating about taking an offer to relocate to the United States. And hotly debating the pros and cons of such a move. The discussion steered towards "safety" and their conclusion was that USA is less safer than India.

This made me roll my eyes, for obvious reasons. And since I have lived for a considerable time there, I was curious to listen to their side of the argument.

"Why do you think USA is less safe?", I asked

"Well, there is nothing like mugging or gun violence in India. I feel we are more in harmony here and have good family values", a co-worker said.

"OK. I give it to you. Mugging in certain neighborhoods and unpredictable gun deaths are on the rise. But tell me how much of an opportunity you have had to walk at nights here, in the city?", I said

"I have been to plenty of deserted places in the city and nothing bad ever happened", he replies

"You mean you zipped across in your bike or car? That doesn't count. There is a far lesser probability of being vulnerable if you are inside a car with your windows rolled. That is not an anatomy of a mugging or any physical assault", I replied. 

"Also tell me if you have gone to these places you are talking about with a woman companion and you felt that comfortable?", I add

"Well, women's thing is a separate issue".

The conversation stopped for me there. I blinked at him. It took me a good few seconds to understand what he meant by women's issues are separate issues. I am appalled at not just the indifference but how little men seem to know about the women in their lives. And this is what nags me to no end. 

And in a broader sense, this is reflective of not just women's issues but also other issues in society. Why does it suddenly become a gender issue when it is focussed on a particular section of the society? The same happens to, for example, the LGBT community. I recently happened to watch a Telugu movie in a cinema hall that had repetitive, tasteless jokes on gays. Hey, I love humor but I can smell an offensive/racist remark when I hear one! And yet there we were, sitting in a modern multiplex, with people from qualified and educated backgrounds not feeling the least bit offended or perturbed. On the contrary, they had a good laugh on jokes that kept targeting the gays.

So it brings me to the critical question again - why didn't the audience feel offended? Simply because they tend to compartmentalize the issue as a gay issue. 

A lot of Indians need to start having an opinion on things. I am bothered when educated Indians look at the media and newspapers reporting rapes and then pass a useless remark like "Too bad" or "This is so sad". I bet you wouldn't be just sad if it were some family member, would you?

I am not asking us to take to heart everything we see and hear. But at the same time I am appalled at how many Indian men have no clue. No clue at all the kind of things their female counterparts have to face on an everyday basis. 

So I ask every Indian man - "Have you ever considered asking your mother/daughter/wife/sister what she felt like walking down the road? Or if she ever had any such problems of abuse?". I bet you didn't even think of asking them that. And why would you? Its a woman's issue not a man's. 

For the countless times I have been told by my dad to be careful, "cover" myself appropriately, not to go out in the dark, ignore the nasty comments on road, I would have wanted him to instead ask me - "I am sure it must be hard, but can you tell me what sort of things you have/had to go through in public? I want to know."

If only.

You know that's all I ask - a patient listening and understanding from the men in my life. And why wouldn't I have a right to that? That is what family stands for. We pride about our culture and family values, what use are they for if you cannot even spare some time to get awareness and understanding of your own family's safety and well-being?

We live in an incredibly dangerous India. Where women have to go through humiliation on a routine basis and worse yet, be the victim of more serious forms of abuse. And then come home, only to be on the receiving end for more unsolicited advice from men in their family. 

This is not a feminist movement it is called "Stand up for your the women in your life" movement.

Why all women need not be overachievers

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Before going any further - I am all for women who are ambitious. So there's no debate needed on that. My problem is with women's movements that focus completely on how women "should be" ambitious, how women are "not doing enough", why women should "aim higher" and yada yada. Specially a plethora of literature of late focusses on how we must catch up with the men, how we should not let go of opportunities in favor of family etc. It just leaves me more fatigued than energized.

Don't get me yet? Read the latest bestseller - Lean-in. For some reason, I wasn't convinced about the messaging in the book. Maybe it is just me but I don't buy this propaganda about pushing ourselves to be ambitious on every turn. That's the first red flag on your way to stress-ville. And it just got worser when it became women specific (it is quite clear that on average, women have more responsibilities in most households than men do). All that argument to be treated as equals with men, in my opinion, is now being abused and creating more stressful conditions for working women.

I understand where this is coming from - there are still plenty of women facing equal opportunity issues at work. I don't deny that. And so far as this movement is aimed at helping women realize their strengths and moving forward, I am all for it. The problem comes when it conflicts with family and personal health.

When did we last have fun and do something just because we enjoyed it?

When did we last sleep a full 8-9 hours without anything about work/personal issues on mind?

When did we last prioritize family over work or other personal pursuits?

In short, when did we women, last feel like a human and less of a robot?

As it is being a woman, and supporting family and kids and doing a great job at work should get us gold stars.  

So in this context I want to ask the Sheryl Sandbergs of the world who are hell-bent on "doing it all" - "Why isn't being good enough, good enough?" Going after something and pushing ourselves is a matter of personal choice. If that works for some, that's good. If that doesn't work for some, that's good too.

An average working woman might not have the money nor the inclination to put her child in a day care. She (hopefully) loves her children as much as she loves her work. And she wants her time to be divided equally. Nothing wrong with that. It is that tad little thing called balance and women are hardwired for it. Making compromises is not necessarily bad either, if you know what you want. And in such cases it is a healthy choice to make. Not all of us have supporting partners, families or kids - so it is quite clear that every woman's life is distinct and doesn't need to revolve around maximizing career prospects.

Instead of recognizing the already fantastic jobs that women do, we suggest she start focussing on work & career (regardless of whether she wants it or not) and put herself up as a leader. I want to ask - is being a mother less of a leader? Is rearing a family a chore? Some women find meaning in taking care of their family. They want to spend time with parents, spouse and kids, they want to keep their home happy, healthy and joyful. They are celebrating life just like other women who love their lives in a high flying corporate job. And there is nothing wrong with either. It is a personal choice we make.

Women shouldn't feel less of a leader if they are not overachievers or ambitious. Like anyone else - men or women - they should aim to do what makes them happy. It serves as a good reminder that life is not a competition, it is a celebration.  If being good enough makes women happy, so be it. If living a contented life and doing meaningful work and investing in family is what women like to do, so be it. 

So to all the women out there, I want to tell you this - You are doing a great job!

Because guess what is the single most important leadership job (performed under incredible pressure and constraints and the most hard to perfect)? Its motherhood.

Is literacy rate the answer to everything?

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Not long ago, there was a discussion at work about the direct co-relation of literacy rate with sex ratio in India. The premise being that higher literacy rate meant higher sex ratio (because the literate did not discriminate against female child). This is not true always. In fact, it is opposite in some cases.

For eg: Haryana has been in news for a higher crime rate against women and the declining female sex ratio. The literacy rate in Haryana (76.64%) is higher than my home state of Andhra Pradesh (67.66%) and yet the sex ratio in Haryana (877 females for every 1000 males) is much lesser than Andhra Pradesh's (992 females for every 1000 males).

This data is picked up from India's Census Website and represents the year 2011.

The myth of the independent woman

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One in two times, you must have heard that inner voice tell you -

"You are smart, fierce and working it. You are an independent woman."

That inner voice must have risen either due to modern pop culture (oh, we love our independent woman so much!) or you used to listen to Destiny's Child track a little too often in the 90's. Either way, let me tell you that is a myth.

What is an independent woman anyway? Girl in a suit and heels during the day, sexy and sassy in a pub by the night, super mom and wife at home, takes care of bills and knows how to "fit in" with the society. She never cries. She knows to cook, knit, clean, rear kids, maintain a home, organize parties just like that. She knows how to jump the hoops. She wiggles from one role to another with the extreme makeover of a reality show participant. Hail independent women - they do it all, have it all, flaunt it all.

Look at Katherine Heigl for instance in the movie Ugly Truth. She's an example of independent woman. Smart TV producer in tailored designer suits, living in a big suburban villa like home, control freak who loves keeping things clean and hunting for the sensitive and metrosexual Mr. Right with Jesus's abs. 

Congratulations, chick flicks have just spring-boarded the image of an independent woman to an all new level. They have set up, every one of the 20-something girls for failure. I mean who doesn't want to be like Katherine in Ugly Truth. She's hot, young, rich, powerful and will also get her perfect man in the end.

Only life is not a fairy tale like that. Life does not have a map with a fixed set of rules. We forget it is not an ideal perfect world out there.

Welcome to the real world where the image of an independent woman is a myth. 

No one can have it all, take it all and do it all. Even the most powerful and mean looking women in the world are vulnerable and possess weaknesses.

I have no problem with cultivating empowerment, self-confidence and equal rights in women. I have a problem with the unnecessary romanticism of the concept of "independent woman".

You know how much pressure that puts on a woman? As it is, she's dealing with making a living for herself (and others), supporting herself and her family and attempting to lead an everyday life with dignity. You want to tell her to dress a certain way, look a certain way, work a certain way so she can handle all kinds of jobs because you know, she must act like an independent woman, in the big bad world. That's not independent woman, that's an octopus (with eight hands to multitask)

Sorry, that aint gonna happen boss. She is going to be exactly like any other human on this earth. Happy, when she gets a pay raise. Sob, when she feels lonely. Lazy, when she feels like. Angry, when she's not treated with respect. Sloppy, when she wants to. Just like every other man.

Stop calling women resilient. What does that even mean btw? That she should stick up to any crap the world throws at here and still stand up smiling. That's not resilient that's losing one's self-dignity. That's being treated inferiorly. It is ok for her to breakdown. To seek help. To take someone's support. That doesn't make her weak or less independent. That makes her smart and playing her cards right.

You know what is independent? When she can do what she loves, when she can move with people she loves, when she can pick and choose her friends and activities, when she can genuinely express her feelings and doesn't have to worry about complying with your rules of a pseudo independent woman. 

A woman with passion is far more sexy than you think. The sooner you embrace that, the sooner you will win her heart.

So the next time you ask your wife, daughter, sister, female colleague to be independent, trust me, they would have felt far more happier if you didn't mention that word. Tell her instead what she means to you and why she is important to you. 

Or if you are at a loss for words, just repeat the line "You is smart, you is kind, you is important" from The Help. 

A little flattery always gets you a 10/10 with woman. But if you piss her off, she is going to make Minny's chocolate pie for you:

Because there is no Photoshop in Sports

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Just read this article in Guardian about how female Olympic athletes are giving women a new generation of strong role models. Rightly said.

Because in sports, there is no photoshop to misuse and play on women's identities. In sports, it is all blood, sweat and guts. Nothing feminine about it huh? How many times as a woman have you looked at a fashion magazine and wish you had that perfect set of legs. I understand women working in the entertainment and modeling industry go under the knife or agree to malpractices like Photoshop (in fact, its quite the norm now than a malpractice). They are under immense pressure to survive in a cut-throat industry like that and have to cinch those endorsements. So the question of ethics don't mean a shit for them. Unfortunately, women tend to idolize them - which is a problem we got to solve.

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned how fairness creams promote a subtle kind of racism against dark women. This is especially true in nations like India. And this photoshopping business is another unnecessary evil. A deeper problem than the fairness cream branding. Something, I confess, has also affected my psyche. In fact, the other day, I unintentionally looked at a glossy magazine cover and told my boyfriend "Wow she looks amazing. Really tall and great abs". And then pat came the reply from him - "Thats photoshopped and that too a bad one". On a closer look, the legs had been flipped, by mistake. We had a good laugh.

But frankly, imagine what that does to a naive teenager? If I, being an adult and well-aware of such practices, can fall for this why wouldn't a 16 year old fall for the same? In fact, as a teenager, it troubled me when people branded my lack of grooming sense and different gait as tomboyish. I used quite a few swear words then (blame the cable TV invasion and subsequent influx of hollywood movies;)), in my everyday language, and even that was "tomboyish". And even that was not lady-like, I was told. I was unapologetic, of course. It however did throw me off-guard. It made me wonder if I was really unfeminine and if all those worldly qualities are required of me as a woman?

To my naysayers, I pretty much rock it when I have to buy clothes and accessories (I pick the good ones really fast) but I really don't like spending on them and neither do I take too much time to dress up because I am always found in a maximum of 2 faded jeans and old t-shirts. But that's just me. And if you are a woman who loves her shopping and high heels, more power to you. Each one is different. So don't try to brand someone based on what the fashion or movie industry dictates. 

There are several myths around women and their bodies. For example, one of the most fielded questions in a gym is - "Do weights make me bulky and will I start looking manly?". No and no. That's the most insane myth that floats around. I can frankly tell you that sort of thinking comes from parents. My own parents advised me against martial arts when I had a fascination for them in my childhood. "No they will make you unfeminine", they told me. What is this shit with "unfeminine" anyway?

Weight training only tones you and gives you a great definition and ups your metabolism if you are a woman, unlike in men where they bulk up on muscles. I have known men who did half the weight training as me and their muscles look inflated while mine remain puny, but strong.

Recently I went to one of those fancy clinics in the city where they give you all sorts of "treatments". I was there to find out about laser hair removal. Big mistake. The folks there started explaining the procedure and venture into this sort of conversation - "While you are here, why don't you get your hair fixed too? And also you can consider our skin tightening treatments...". 

I DID NOT like where that was going. If anything they needed to fix their heads. One of them went on to say "We have weight loss programs too. You are fair so you wouldn't need those skin lightening treatment" and giggled. What I was supposed to feel proud about that? (Both the consultants were women btw, so ashamed. I feel sorry for their kids). Needless to say I stormed out and swore never to go near such clinics. They got hold of my number and kept stalking me over phone until I gave them a piece of my mind. On second thoughts, I should have just delivered that dragon kick on their faces I learnt at my kickboxing class.

I mean why should the rules of the trade be different for women anyway? Why can't a woman do what she likes to do? Why do parents, boyfriends, husbands, brothers, neighbors and who ever have that authority to tell you what you should look like or how you should present yourself outside?

Can we stop this disease of a culture? 

Yes, if you are a woman and have questions you have Internet at your disposal. Research and bust those myths. And if you love to eat, eat for god's sake - this is not a lifetime weight loss program. And if you love to make mud pies, make them. Because you know what? That guy who looks macho and all brawny in your class, he probably enjoys chick flicks and loves to knit sweaters. 

Don't judge. Become your own idol.