Why all women need not be overachievers

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Before going any further - I am all for women who are ambitious. So there's no debate needed on that. My problem is with women's movements that focus completely on how women "should be" ambitious, how women are "not doing enough", why women should "aim higher" and yada yada. Specially a plethora of literature of late focusses on how we must catch up with the men, how we should not let go of opportunities in favor of family etc. It just leaves me more fatigued than energized.

Don't get me yet? Read the latest bestseller - Lean-in. For some reason, I wasn't convinced about the messaging in the book. Maybe it is just me but I don't buy this propaganda about pushing ourselves to be ambitious on every turn. That's the first red flag on your way to stress-ville. And it just got worser when it became women specific (it is quite clear that on average, women have more responsibilities in most households than men do). All that argument to be treated as equals with men, in my opinion, is now being abused and creating more stressful conditions for working women.

I understand where this is coming from - there are still plenty of women facing equal opportunity issues at work. I don't deny that. And so far as this movement is aimed at helping women realize their strengths and moving forward, I am all for it. The problem comes when it conflicts with family and personal health.

When did we last have fun and do something just because we enjoyed it?

When did we last sleep a full 8-9 hours without anything about work/personal issues on mind?

When did we last prioritize family over work or other personal pursuits?

In short, when did we women, last feel like a human and less of a robot?

As it is being a woman, and supporting family and kids and doing a great job at work should get us gold stars.  

So in this context I want to ask the Sheryl Sandbergs of the world who are hell-bent on "doing it all" - "Why isn't being good enough, good enough?" Going after something and pushing ourselves is a matter of personal choice. If that works for some, that's good. If that doesn't work for some, that's good too.

An average working woman might not have the money nor the inclination to put her child in a day care. She (hopefully) loves her children as much as she loves her work. And she wants her time to be divided equally. Nothing wrong with that. It is that tad little thing called balance and women are hardwired for it. Making compromises is not necessarily bad either, if you know what you want. And in such cases it is a healthy choice to make. Not all of us have supporting partners, families or kids - so it is quite clear that every woman's life is distinct and doesn't need to revolve around maximizing career prospects.

Instead of recognizing the already fantastic jobs that women do, we suggest she start focussing on work & career (regardless of whether she wants it or not) and put herself up as a leader. I want to ask - is being a mother less of a leader? Is rearing a family a chore? Some women find meaning in taking care of their family. They want to spend time with parents, spouse and kids, they want to keep their home happy, healthy and joyful. They are celebrating life just like other women who love their lives in a high flying corporate job. And there is nothing wrong with either. It is a personal choice we make.

Women shouldn't feel less of a leader if they are not overachievers or ambitious. Like anyone else - men or women - they should aim to do what makes them happy. It serves as a good reminder that life is not a competition, it is a celebration.  If being good enough makes women happy, so be it. If living a contented life and doing meaningful work and investing in family is what women like to do, so be it. 

So to all the women out there, I want to tell you this - You are doing a great job!

Because guess what is the single most important leadership job (performed under incredible pressure and constraints and the most hard to perfect)? Its motherhood.

Get busy living or get busy surviving

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Yes, I know that line from Shawshank Redemption. But wait, there is probably a more horrible thing than death - the act of surviving.  Because honestly you or me or anyone who is alive has no idea of what death really means. Maybe few of us do. But that's just that. 

We go through our daily grind trying to survive. This is what we call the "busy work". What can be worser use of our time on earth than that?

Each of us are capable of so much more valuable stuff - but we are getting busy - surviving. We create the false hope that someday we will break free and build a life we want. We assure ourselves, every single day of our lives this: It takes only so much saving up of money, or sacrificing love or time with family and friends. But we miserably fail to get out of that rabbit hole we have dug for ourselves.

What are we afraid of? Why only so few people inhabiting this world, have the courage and willpower to be honest with themselves?

Many times it is that job you don't want to quit, the marriage you are trying to keep afloat, the society you don't want to offend.  Who are these fictional people and why does their importance vaporize when you are faced with death? 

What does it really take to follow your passion? Or make your days exciting? Or appreciate the beauty around you? Or live in the moment and forget about retirement?

What's stopping you? What's terrifying you?

This is because we are taught and drilled into our heads again and again that wealth, status and fame are the only "values" worth living for. Everything else, well, we have no place for that. And suddenly just like that happiness evades us, because we are in a mad pursuit of such shallow values. We are constantly bitter about things around us that we fail to embrace who we are and of what unique things we are capable of. 

You live only once and for that you owe yourself an explanation about why you are busy surviving and not busy living, creating wonderful things.

Movie Recommendation: Okuribito (Departures)

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Note: If you are in a mood to reflect on life, death and family and relationships, this is it. This movie is available on YouTube (yay!) with English subtitles.

IMDB entry: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1069238/
Genre: Drama, Family, Japanese

Jumping right in. This is the story of an unemployed cello player Diago, who leaves Tokyo and returns to his hometown to find himself a job. He mistakes an ad in the local paper for a job in a travel agency only to find out later that the job is of a "Nokanshi" or NK agent - a professional who prepares deceased bodies for funeral. He is despised by his wife and friends for taking up such a forbidden job. But in this job Diago finds himself, reconciles with his dad and understands the true meaning of life, relationships and death.

Before I continue, a fair warning that this movie can be slow in parts - but rightly so. It is only by taking time to reflect you tend to appreciate both the beauty and sorrow in life. This movie is in the same genre as Akira Kurosawa's "Ikiru" - a poignant reflection on the meaning of life when you watch death in the face. This is also a story of loss and how painful it is to realize you no longer have that privilege to spend life's cherished moments with your loved ones.

The movie has a soulful background score that elevates the mood in the story. There is also plenty of good old-fashioned humor (specially in the first half of the movie). The movie also uncovers some of the deepest Japanese beliefs and customs on the after life of the departed. I was really surprised by the whole notion of a life after death and how the deceased are carefully prepared for a peaceful journey after death in Japanese tradition. Unlike movies that deal with death with a lot of melodrama, this one is a lot more subtle and less cliched.

The movie also explores in part Daigo's own battle with returning to his origins and his despise for his dad who left him and his mother when he was young. In life we always hold a lifetime grudge and cant reconcile with it, and yet we realize that to forgive and let go of the past is the only way to free ourselves. The movie benefits from some of the fine acting by the cast, stunning direction and beautiful depiction of relationships.

Only in Japan, even a death ritual can be a form of art. The more I see and learn about Japanese culture, the more I am inclined to believe how rich and traditional their culture is. We have all lost or remember someone whom we love and miss and this movie is a tribute to those who have left us. A reminder that life is not all about ourselves, but also the beautiful and long lasting relationships we form.

How to find fulfilling work

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"Where the needs of the world and your talents cross, there lies your vocation" - Aristotle

Because finding fulfilling work is a bit like finding a lover...

The best advice on nurturing creativity

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"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through."

---- Ira Glass, renowned American Public Radio personality

You can watch the complete video of Ira Glass on Storytelling on YouTube:

Getting your shit together

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What? You mean you never had one tragic moment in your life? The one which is sort of "kick in your pants" failure moment. But, how is that even possible? If so, then sorry to say, getting your shit together will get that much more harder. 

It is true. Determination, willpower and all those underdog type abilities emerge when we confront unexpected, massive tragedies in life. I always felt they were like little reminders to make you appreciate your routinely good life a bit more. But you know what is more amazing?  It is that "kick in your pants" feeling. That sort of outrage that builds up in you - that says to you to stop being such a sissy about it and get up and face it. And whatever it is, conquer it.

It is hard to be maddeningly focussed and determined in normal circumstances. Pick any kind of underdog - they have been through rough times, some crazy low point that it kicks them in their pants to do their best. To prove their best.

This phenomenon is called "Getting your shit together". This happens mostly when tragedy strikes (sorry some of you incredibly lucky people who sail through life, this ain't for you.) Yes, getting dumped by your boyfriend/girlfriend is gold (see video). Although I wouldn't, in my wildest dreams, break up with Joseph Gordon-Lewitt, if he were my boyfriend. 

Ok so if you have read so far, let me give you some more unsolicited advice.

All those motivating TED talks and all, they are short-lived, ok? Your brain processes them in and out it goes. Ask the TED speakers if they were driven by watching only TED talks. They will tell you. So instead recollect something tragic that has happened to you and how you came out of it or didn't - what do you want to takeaway from it? No, not about being weak and pain and sadness. I meant take it as an inspiration instead.

If all else fails, just think about your (Indian) parents. That should do. (Yes, they are exasperating at times. Admit it ;-).  Or think about your boss. Or that snobbish friend. These are your best bets.

Meanwhile, if nobody is inspiring you or you need some laughs or you are just plain tired reading this blog post, watch this kid pep talk you for instant energy.

Movie Recommendation: Senna

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Note: During a chance browsing, I bumped into this documentary on Netflix. Easily one of the best documentaries I have watched (more than once). A must watch, even for non-Formula One (F1) fans like me. Strongly recommended!

IMDB entry: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1424432/

Genre: Documentary, Drama, Sports, Memoir

I am not a Formula One fan. I don't even watch the sport or follow any related news. My only reference to F1 is perhaps a name "Schumacher" and the word "McLaren" inscribed on my boyfriend's bike. So yes, that disclaimer was meant for everyone like me who knows nothing about the sport and doesn't care much about it. So imagine my surprise when I just felt so taken by this documentary on Senna. 

Ayrton Senna was a legendary F1 racer from Brazil, who had near mythic status in the world of Formula One. And this is a documentary spun over recorded events and archived footage of his life (I have a dislike for documentaries that are huge portions, reenacted). Parts of this documentary were so intense, it broke my heart. I now have a huge appreciation for F1 racing drivers and the sport.

The opening lines of the documentary nails the mood and story that is going to unfold as Senna's voice booms in the background:

"1978 I came to Europe the first time to compete outside Brazil in the world championship. It was pure driving, pure racing. There wasn't any politics. No money involved either. It was real racing."

It follows the struggles of Senna in the world of Formula One championships. From a young passionate driver to a cult figure, battling his arch nemesis Alain Prost, riding high on emotions and spirituality as an individual, fighting for the safety of drivers and yet fiercely competitive on the track purely out of love and passion for driving. The documentary with its haunting background score makes it a thrilling ride (ya pun intended but true to the word). You get a glimpse of behind the scenes of F1, as seen and experienced by Senna.

It is exciting to watch the rivalry between Senna and Prost and heartbreaking to watch the tragic climax. But what caught my attention (and will surely draw yours too) was his spirit. His raw passion and spirit to ride above controversies and hold his home country Brazil so close to his heart (he was deeply concerned and involved with finding hope for Brazil's poverty and economic instability), even though a large part of his life was spent living in Europe and pursuing a racing profession.

The scene that nearly made my eyes wet was the one from 1991 Brazil Grand Prix. (I was eating at the time and stopped chewing the food in my mouth). This was the first time he had won in his home country. And that, after beating all odds of driving a broken car and triumphantly waving the Brazilian flag on the win.

This movie is a perfect tribute to the icon that is Senna. And kudos to the director for not including re-enactments or third person interviews on Senna - they just break the narrative in a documentary. This is one of the major reasons why people who like movies (commercial ones) hate documentaries - because they are made boring by such distractions. The documentary is so well put together (thanks to its deft editing) that it is part sublime and part fascinating at times.

This is also a movie that will teach you a thing or two along the way. That nothing comes easy. That, come what may, you should never give up. That a sport can truly be a form of art or passion (because all he ever wanted to do was to race). That nothing can break a human spirit, so pure that it leaves behind a legacy called Senna.

Being generous is ridiculously easy

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"Did you see that?", I ask my friend sullenly. 

"See what?", he shoots back. 

I replay how I just saw an old ailing couple, sitting on a pavement and sharing halves of what looked like an orange. As I recollect, I realize how cold I felt on the shaded street that winter evening. I couldn't help but wonder how tiny rags did any good for the homeless couple on that street.

It doesn't help much to discuss at length about such "obvious" things in India. Things that wrap me in pangs of guilt. Because we speak about them and easily forget. Like every time, I try to push out such gloomy thoughts out of my mind. But there is always a breadcrumb of trailing thoughts that follow me, eventually.

"There is so much I can do. There is so much I can give back. Then why am I not doing that?", I keep questioning myself. The feeling is unsettling at best. But I can easily distract myself through work, books or movies.

The next morning at work, I am vile about a news story that ran last night. I narrate to my co-worker about a group of cops (I think?) who defused couple of bombs in metropolitan Pune this year (with no body protection) and the government gave them 100 rupees (2 US dollars) as a reward, the story reported.

"Why? Why do we (Indians) put cricketers and celebrities on a pedestal and shower them with huge monetary rewards that they apparently don't even need, but we insult such acts of bravery? Why is a human life so cheap in India?". I seethe in anger as I eat my lunch. "I hate how we are so contradictory. And yet here we are eating a big lunch and watching a stupid cricket match.", I mutter under by breath as the match plays over a big LCD in the office cafetaria. (Two people across the table shoot me questioning glances. I was loud enough apparently.)

"You cannot think about everything at once", my lunchmate replies matter-of-factly.

I am furious and he does his best to calm me. We decide to take a walk and talk about it.

"We must do the really tiny things we can.", I say.

He nods in approval. "Did you see how much food is being wasted in the cafe?"

We have a whiteboard where the cafe team puts up the quantity of food wasted everyday. Data that embarrasses me. I again sulk in depression. 

He waves me aside and tells "That's the power of data. Unfortunately, that isn't leveraged to send the right signals to everyone. Do you know how many people are even taking notice of it or pausing to reflect over their food wastage?", he asks. I continue, "To bring out the real problems, we need both - data and insights that evoke a reaction from people." We both nod and sigh in approval.

Charity starts at home, they say. Do your bit, they say. But how many of us really do our bit? Yes, each of us have personal goals, commitments, promises to keep. But is giving back such a big deal at all? I think not.

I am now going to obsess over how much food I am wasting, or how much coffee I leave behind in the cup. This week I have decided to journal this. Yes, I want to quantify this. Yes, I want to be pedantic about this so I can take a stand for myself - That I will never waste food. Maybe I am selfish because am trying avenues to live up to my conscience. So be it. But the repercussions are plenty and unknown to us - for example an article that tries to demystify Why India can't feed its people put me on the edge once again. 

I think everyone knows and agrees that we don't have to be the Bill Gates of charity. We just need to our bit - our own acts of kindness and generosity. Because being generous, it seems to me, is ridiculously easy.

Flawbulous

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Yeah, I know. I just made up that word. Fits right in with the culture of "wannabes" we experience today. This is one of those days and without wasting any more time, I rant. 

This world can be seen as two sides of a coin. The two sides make up what I call - "Lazy is too much lazy and achievement is too less achievement". Lets decrypt the achievement side of the coin first. Because you know, it is easier to be bloody jealous of achievers. Haha. 

Day in and day out, I see countless kids in India getting pressured into stuff in the name of achievement. Because you know if you aren't a topper in the class, a world class sportsperson, eat the right food and dress the right way, you don't belong. Reminds me of this Chinese parent taunting his own kid on an ice skating rink, one cold winter evening. He kept snapping at his kid -  "You go right back and don't bother returning if you haven't done your routine X times". While, I am, you know struggling to keep it together on the rink and taking frequent "breaks". I can't believe what I am seeing and I am thinking - "Whatever happened to loosening up? Jeez!"

Anyway, so I know I don't belong in the land of overachievers. I was pretty average in grad school and didn't care much then. And then boom, I graduate and I am holding to a job. I am constantly bumping into smart kids at work. That leads me to think that there is no escaping this phenomenon. So I can imagine how pressured kids must feel in this godforsaken generation.

But there is so much evidence that all this pressure is leading nowhere. Atleast if you are taking all this pressure to your head. Which is what the majority do anyway. So a like-minded co-worker and I are comparing notes on all the toppers in our school. I mean really all that exam stress, tears and avoiding friends and experiences for what? For a drab corporate job? Thank God for Software Engineering, we tell each other. It is a great equalizer. We can't talk for other professions. But here, you are what you do. Not your school accolades and other pressure cooker stuff like that. 

But try explaining that to parents. *Crickets chirping*

Ok. So now that we have established (I think) that overachievement is leading to nowhere but the same corporate job (yes, you overachieving people you heard that right. Sorry to break your heart), we can move on to our other opposite side of the coin.

The favorite lazy world beset with oodles of boredom and idleness. Because you know, Einstein said a lot of these things like - "The monotony of a quiet life simulates the creative mind". And who are we to question a great mind like Einstein no?

So we are wallowing around in the cozy nest of laziness. Showing up in bursts and trying to meet deadlines. Other times we are just switching between watching reality TV and spraying graffitis all over social media on how excited we are about reading a book (that was probably the only book we read in the entire year). Einstein didn't mean this I am sure. Theory of relativity wouldn't exactly come out of just another lazy day. Yeah, I know acknowledging that is sort of unsettling. But it is the sad truth.

For once, either sides of the coin are taking us nowhere. In fact even all that charade about passion and following your passion is becoming a painful cliche these days. It is only adding fuel to all that confusion. The single most common sense (but not so common) answer arises. The problem is we never ever acknowledge our flaws or our vulnerabilities. 

You almost always never hear people say - "Oh yeah, I am fat. Check." or "Oh yeah, I am average. Check." You almost always hear people say - "Oh no, I am fat. I must die." or "Oh no, I am average. I am a failure."

Shame, you see, is the single most determining factor in our lives. And this is overpowering our abilities to make a dent in our worlds. Instead, we want to patronize those who we think are perfect. 

Perfect people are those who have embraced their flaws. Perfect people are not perfect, they are flawbulous. This is the only revealing fact we need to practice in our lives. This is the same trick Lady Gaga used when she posted her non-photoshopped pictures on the Web. This sounds like an anti-climax. But this is our only redeeming factor - for all those years of lives wasted, being ashamed, terrified and panicked about our flaws. 

In the end, there is only one way that coin can fall. Into the garbage, where it belongs. 

What Japanese anime can teach us

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My first introduction to Japanese anime happened when I visited a friend's place in Monterey. The place was breathtaking and homely at the same time (unlike the parts of California that people usually visit like San Francisco or Los Angeles). During this time, we spent most of our time doing fun little things - taking a stroll by the beach, cooking authentic Mexican dishes, eating Korean seafood rolls, discussing Steinbeck (who was a Monterey resident) and when night came, watching Japanese animation movies on VHS. Yes, VHS! It was very unlikely of me to choose animated movies as an evening watch, leave alone Japanese anime. 

Since I was not too keen, my friend had to trick me into liking anime. I had heard of Naruto and other Manga characters and the cult following it had in the States. But I was never inclined to give it a shot.

She was finding it difficult to choose between Princess Mononoke and Grave of the Fireflies. And then she chose the latter. Although she did warn me that Grave of the Fireflies is unlike most of the other Japanese anime (live action figures, magic castles, witches and spells and such). I, on the other hand, didn't bother since they all felt same to me at that time. And I gave in since her whole family was getting excited to watch the movie that night (apparently they watched it dozens of times already)

Grave of the Fireflies

Now, let me tell you how surprised and moved I was by the end of the movie. Grave of the Fireflies is about a brother and his little sister struggling to live in a World War II struck Japan. It was easily one of the most heartbreaking stories I ever watched. It is not easy to pour in words the kind of feelings it left me with. It took me a week to shake it off (and I am not even exaggerating). I have seen a lot of war movies and blood and gore, but this kind of storytelling was leagues ahead of them all.  Because it gets personal and leaves a deep influence on how you view the world around you. Most of the Hollywood movies, you blink and forget. Don't get me wrong I love Pixar movies, they are brilliant, but Japanese anime elevates stories to a personal level - the amount of soul, depth, authenticity and honesty, that is missing even in Pixar animations.

Since it left on me such a deep impression, my friend (a big fan of Hayao Miyazaki) insisted that I watch rest of his movies after I go back home. She lent me half a dozen DVDs of his movies and I was hooked for life. 

Now, this is the thing about Japanese anime (and in particular Miyazaki's) - it engages you so much through its simple storytelling that you feel one with it. I was pleasantly surprised by how every script subtlely weaves the importance of family and values with the theme of the story. They touch so many diverse topics - about growing up, respecting elders, being polite (even to strangers), not being judgmental, keeping faith, working hard, pursuing your dreams and cherishing life, no matter what.

Nowhere in the story I felt that they were making an effort to teach such important lessons. It just magically left me inspired on so many levels. Sometimes, I wonder if these movies left such an impact on me, then they most definitely should be made mandatory. Specially for children and teenagers who are at such an impressionable age.

Whisper of the Heart

When I watched Whisper of the Heart, for the first time ever, I was left inspired after watching a movie on teen romance! I mean who would have thought that could happen? Teen romance and inspiration - that is possible only in a Miyazaki tale.

Every scene, every moment depicted true to life - the emotions of first day at school to developing a crush on a boy, of friendships and trivial fights, studying for exams, the way the sky looks (and the rainbow) after it has rained, the smell of earth, the sound of crickets on a warm summer night, the way we nurture innocent dreams for our future, the infinite expectations your parents have of you, your journey of self discovery. A million such emotions in a 120 min length feature film is nothing short of awe-inspiring.

Seriously how much of that do you see in Hollywood or Bollywood movies? It is either mindless charade of popularity contests or excessive bullying or fancy product and brand placements and very little emphasis on how kids are sorting through their dreams, their everyday experiences and family relationships. What is with the culture of wannabes and trying to make premature adults out of kids, instead of letting them bloom in their creativity?

Apart from the story, the accompanying artwork and animation leaves me amazed  - it can't get more beautiful than this. Moments so stirring and wonderful, that they leave a lump in my throat. It makes me think why didn't anyone introduce me to these movies, a little earlier in my life? And for that, I am forever indebted to my friend.

Eat. Sleep. Rock. Repeat.

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A co-worker of mine once told me, casually over lunch, how she had gone about writing a personal manifesto. I nodded as if I understood and completely agreed. Of course, I had no clue until then. So I made a quick mental note to myself - "Read about this personal manifesto business. Perhaps I should make one of my own."

With that, I went about my day's work, as we all do. Forgetting our daily conversations comes easy to a human brain. But the brain is smarter than that, it stashes such "interesting" bits inside your subconscious mind and then magically retrieves them at a later point. So today when I heard about manifestos and the like in an unrelated chat, I was struck by the feeling of "deja vu".

Maybe it was time to make one. And stick to it. I have found over time that forming habits around your personal manifesto is a sure shot way to lead a happy life.

Courtesy: NYTimes article on Don't Indulge, Be Happy

I wanted my manifesto to be simple. So apart from preparing a "ten part" manifesto I wanted to give it a headline. Sort of like a reminder when times are bad. Something like this:

EAT. SLEEP. ROCK. REPEAT.

Elaborating on the "rock" part gives me this list (in no particular order):

1. Work hard. Nothing comes easy in life.

2. Fall in love, spend time with those you love and never take them for granted.

3. Spend more on experiences. Spend less on material things.

4. Let go. Make a fool of yourself.

5. Keep life simple - if you don't like something, change it.

6. Smile often. Smile genuinely.

7. Be grateful. Never forget those who have helped you.

8. Make time for your favorite physical activity. Your body needs endorphins. It is your way of saying "thank you" to your body.

9. Doing is better than not doing.

10. Believe in yourself. Always carve out some "me time" in your day - to reflect and rejuvenate yourself.

Really hard to stick to the above, but then life happens only once so why not give it a shot :-)

So what's your personal manifesto?

Tubelight ka Chaand

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A little boy called Tubelight and his obsession for the moon (chaand)

This poignant short film explores the dream of one little boy through the underbelly of Kolkata. 

And his dream to capture the moon. Is it possible then to pursue a lofty dream as that? 

This video serves as a great metaphor for "Follow your dreams"

No matter how hard life is, no matter what the obstacles, no matter how people may judge you - make your dream your obsession. 

Because obsession leads to single minded doggedness to pursue your dream and make it happen, no matter what. To dance in its tunes and sing in its praises, no matter what. To love it unconditionally and to want it more than anything, no matter what.

So what if it is the moon that you want? :-)

The power of purpose

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An intern asked me a question recently (rephrased here), over lunch - "I am so confused with my options. Which team do you think I must join?"

I silently chuckled at that question. I saw in her, myself, nearly a decade back, asking a similar question. And I wish I got the answer that I gave her - "It doesn't really matter". Of course, she didn't seem quite convinced by that answer. 

She eventually did, after I was able to spend a good 15 mins, telling what she should rather focus her energies and time on. Of course, like several of us, she will be influenced by her experiences, her peers and the people she meets and that will either steer towards or away from the advice I gave her.

And this is what I told her -

On an average, we all work towards excellence. Nobody aims for mediocrity. We want to know as we much as we can about all "good" things in the world and how to achieve them - job promotions, higher paychecks, high-flying lifestyles, fame, attention and recognition. What we don't understand is that most of them are really tangible, short-term benefits. In the long run, what matters is did you find that one thing you love and were you able to achieve it?

Briefly put - "Did you find your purpose in life?"

School and college are some of the best times to explore that question because you have all that time away from relationships, job stress, family obligations. For some, it is immediately clear.  For some others, it takes about few years. For the rest (a fairly large proportion of people), it takes an incredibly long time - during this process you have two choices:

- Give up and settle

- Don't settle and keep looking

The problem we face on an everyday basis is this - you are always working for immediate, short-term, tangible benefits. (And the question the intern posed falls in this bucket). How many times have we faced a choice between the short term and the long term? We almost always favor the former with a quick justification of "just this once". And before you realize, you have been doing this too many times (not just once).

The question(s) she must rather ask is/are - "How can I grow? Where are the learning opportunities and how can I seize them? What are some specific things I must try out? Is this what I like to do with my time? Is this what I love? Is this what I want to become?" Unfortunately, there are no clear answers to such questions. You learn, evolve and move on from one experience to another; checking each item on your infinite list of things to do towards finding your purpose. The lesson being, to try out as many things you can, to be open-minded, to stop judging, and to constantly question the purpose behind everything. 

This is the most important (and also the most difficult) thing you will ever learn - To keep your head above all trivialities in life and be focussed on finding, committing and achieving your purpose. Every time you face a choice, you ask yourself - "Is this inline with my purpose in life?"

Is everyday a Groudhog Day?

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"Happy Independence Day" is trending on Twitter. Happy Independence Day India!

However, nothing has changed. You find the same news about scams, crimes, exploitation, poverty and a million other negative things sprinkled with some Independence Day special programs on TV (like the Prime Minister's national address, parade and some patriotic songs). Tomorrow comes and we are back to the grind. Life goes on.

But I thought to myself - Lets be a little less cynical today, shall we?

So there I was standing in the shower. Another day, another epiphany. 

Remember the movie Groundhog Day? For those who haven't watched the movie (you must watch it btw), the lead protagonist Bill Murray relives a day over and over again. In the movie, that day happens to be what Americans celebrate as the Groundhog Day. Bill Murray realizes that he is not accountable for his actions since the day repeats all over again the next day. Since he wouldn't suffer the consequences of what he does, he goes about breaking the law, mistreats people, tries to seduce a woman by finding her interests and so on. After several days he realizes that he can actually use this opportunity in a good way compared to the manipulative way. He starts learning the names of people in his town, takes piano lessons and eventually wins his girl over because he has become a better man.

So why all this summary of a movie you ask?

I think the movie delivers a subtle message - 

Over the years, we have been experiencing some form of the Groundhog day. The headlines of the day may have been a little different, but the news stories are essentially the same - political turmoil, challenging economy, increased corruption, lack of governance, decelerating infrastructure, energy crisis and a plethora of such negative news. 

Most of us have become insensitive and apathetic to the situations and circumstances in India and have completely shut us off from the proceedings. This is a rather dangerous reaction from Indians. 

Things are not going to improve on their own. Like Bill Murray we have the opportunity to change our behaviors regardless of what is outside our control. We constantly complain and hope that someone else figures out a way to make India a better place. What we don't realize is little actions lead to a revolution of sorts. Yes, there is hope. Without hope there is nothing. We must hope for an India that we want her to be. And we must make those little changes in our behavior and actions and bring about positive changes in whatever we do (this can be as minimal as fulfilling the duties of your job). On a larger scale, this makes a massive difference. Don't listen to the naysayers. Haters will be haters.

Treat every day as an opportunity to give back, to make a positive dent in your community. This is the true essence of independence. Treat this as a gift, an opportunity within your reach.

Ask yourself - Are you using your freedom to do the right thing and make a positive change? Remember, it does not have to be a Groundhog day for you. 

Because there is no Photoshop in Sports

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Just read this article in Guardian about how female Olympic athletes are giving women a new generation of strong role models. Rightly said.

Because in sports, there is no photoshop to misuse and play on women's identities. In sports, it is all blood, sweat and guts. Nothing feminine about it huh? How many times as a woman have you looked at a fashion magazine and wish you had that perfect set of legs. I understand women working in the entertainment and modeling industry go under the knife or agree to malpractices like Photoshop (in fact, its quite the norm now than a malpractice). They are under immense pressure to survive in a cut-throat industry like that and have to cinch those endorsements. So the question of ethics don't mean a shit for them. Unfortunately, women tend to idolize them - which is a problem we got to solve.

In one of my previous posts, I mentioned how fairness creams promote a subtle kind of racism against dark women. This is especially true in nations like India. And this photoshopping business is another unnecessary evil. A deeper problem than the fairness cream branding. Something, I confess, has also affected my psyche. In fact, the other day, I unintentionally looked at a glossy magazine cover and told my boyfriend "Wow she looks amazing. Really tall and great abs". And then pat came the reply from him - "Thats photoshopped and that too a bad one". On a closer look, the legs had been flipped, by mistake. We had a good laugh.

But frankly, imagine what that does to a naive teenager? If I, being an adult and well-aware of such practices, can fall for this why wouldn't a 16 year old fall for the same? In fact, as a teenager, it troubled me when people branded my lack of grooming sense and different gait as tomboyish. I used quite a few swear words then (blame the cable TV invasion and subsequent influx of hollywood movies;)), in my everyday language, and even that was "tomboyish". And even that was not lady-like, I was told. I was unapologetic, of course. It however did throw me off-guard. It made me wonder if I was really unfeminine and if all those worldly qualities are required of me as a woman?

To my naysayers, I pretty much rock it when I have to buy clothes and accessories (I pick the good ones really fast) but I really don't like spending on them and neither do I take too much time to dress up because I am always found in a maximum of 2 faded jeans and old t-shirts. But that's just me. And if you are a woman who loves her shopping and high heels, more power to you. Each one is different. So don't try to brand someone based on what the fashion or movie industry dictates. 

There are several myths around women and their bodies. For example, one of the most fielded questions in a gym is - "Do weights make me bulky and will I start looking manly?". No and no. That's the most insane myth that floats around. I can frankly tell you that sort of thinking comes from parents. My own parents advised me against martial arts when I had a fascination for them in my childhood. "No they will make you unfeminine", they told me. What is this shit with "unfeminine" anyway?

Weight training only tones you and gives you a great definition and ups your metabolism if you are a woman, unlike in men where they bulk up on muscles. I have known men who did half the weight training as me and their muscles look inflated while mine remain puny, but strong.

Recently I went to one of those fancy clinics in the city where they give you all sorts of "treatments". I was there to find out about laser hair removal. Big mistake. The folks there started explaining the procedure and venture into this sort of conversation - "While you are here, why don't you get your hair fixed too? And also you can consider our skin tightening treatments...". 

I DID NOT like where that was going. If anything they needed to fix their heads. One of them went on to say "We have weight loss programs too. You are fair so you wouldn't need those skin lightening treatment" and giggled. What I was supposed to feel proud about that? (Both the consultants were women btw, so ashamed. I feel sorry for their kids). Needless to say I stormed out and swore never to go near such clinics. They got hold of my number and kept stalking me over phone until I gave them a piece of my mind. On second thoughts, I should have just delivered that dragon kick on their faces I learnt at my kickboxing class.

I mean why should the rules of the trade be different for women anyway? Why can't a woman do what she likes to do? Why do parents, boyfriends, husbands, brothers, neighbors and who ever have that authority to tell you what you should look like or how you should present yourself outside?

Can we stop this disease of a culture? 

Yes, if you are a woman and have questions you have Internet at your disposal. Research and bust those myths. And if you love to eat, eat for god's sake - this is not a lifetime weight loss program. And if you love to make mud pies, make them. Because you know what? That guy who looks macho and all brawny in your class, he probably enjoys chick flicks and loves to knit sweaters. 

Don't judge. Become your own idol.

Did something cool today?

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You know what's cool? Doing.

Doing is everything.

Not an idea, nor a thought.

Doing is what matters.
Doing is believing.
Doing is experiencing.
Doing is living.

I think for a long time now I have been in quite a funk. Personal stress, remote working, time mismanagement and a host of other things. You know what that does to you right? Puts you in a "restless" zone. Yeah, you don't want to belong there.

I am someone who constantly whines, talks the talk, bounces ideas and sees them sit and gather dust. And so are many others (no kidding, even you?). In an earlier post, I aimed (but failed an embarrassing number of times) to adopt what I called the Daily Sabbatical.

First there was tennis. I felt like Roger Federer (there's no price to pay for imagining you are greatest, is there?). Then carrying bats to and fro from work and all the monsoon rage in my hometown killed it.

Then there was - "I will read one book per weekend" deal. I pretty much made the cut, actually. Kind of proud. But not quite sealed it. My reading challenge this year is 40 books (At the current rate, I am 10 books behind)

2012 Reading Challenge

Manju has read 19 books toward her goal of 50 books.

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19 of 50 (38%)

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Then there was - "I will try to be happy and cheery faced everyday". Was I?

*Crickets chirping*

Then there was - "I want to dance". I spoke to a really nice, energetic co-worker about it and he suggested I should teach a class. I thought that was ridiculous at first. I searched and waited if someone offered something similar at work. Of course, my co-worker was up in my face all the time about it (thank you!). I grumbled, whined, lamented, complained,..

**insert every one of those abundant excuse-abiding adjectives here**

..until I relented and taught a Bollywood dance class today.

Yes, me, taught a dance class. Ok, it wasn't pro. It was cool though. I met some cool people. We all danced and had fun.

But that was the idea though. To have fun everyday. To surprise myself everyday. To see what I can do everyday - same things differently or new things experimentally.

I love how easy it is to do than talk about something (yes I mean when I say that). I already feel better. This "doing" thing sounds like fun to me.

So did something cool today?

The Tao of Running

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3 years ago, one late evening on a lonely road winding down to the Fenway Park, I stood, breathing heavily. Surrounded by thick greenery, historic Museum of Fine Arts, a group of teenagers playing ball in a distant field and the crisp cool air of a typical August day that was turning cloudy. 

"This is shit", I thought to myself.

2009 was my first foray into anything that could be remotely associated to running. I was definitely tending towards becoming overweight. I was beyond myself. I wanted to gym like everyone else. I wanted to cut down on food like everyone else. I ached to become active.

And I chose running.

Few jogs down the beaten path and it left me gasping for breath. It was more like grunting. 

I put my hands on my knees and bent down, breathing as if my life depended on it.

I looked around and there was no one. And the dark clouds looked ominous. I was living in a dingy apartment in Boston, with 4 other girls and their own set of problems they came with. I hated my life. What was I doing here?

I continued to jog again. And stopped right after 30 seconds.

"This is shit", I thought to myself again.

2009 and nobody wants to even give me a job offer. Even at those rockstar internships I had. They all liked my work but it was the year of recession. Recruitments froze everywhere. And yet here I was thinking about running, as if that's going to change my life.

I suddenly ground to a halt when a bunch of geese(?) cut into my path. 

"Stupid birds", I thought to myself.

As they took their own time, I took my temporary break, hands on my hips and beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

"This can't be right, I should be focussing on job interviews", I thought to myself. "What am I doing here, trying to run like this, as if this is going to change my life"

"Please don't rain, please don't rain", I let out silent prayers. 

After a good 10 minutes, I tried to run again. This time out of necessity to avoid the rain. And I ran till my apartment. By then I had gotten wet. 

The rains didn't stop for me. And neither will your life.

Today I can run a 5K like a breeze. 10K no problem. 20K, I wouldn't exactly die either.

I think running taught me an important lesson. Sometimes in life, you have to do things without purpose. There is always pressure on you to do well at work, relationships, business, career. A hundred reasons crop up in your puny brain, resisting change. Excuses that you will make for not going at "outside routine". That little voice in your head is angry and confused and afraid. But keep at it. Keep cheating your brain to believe that this is not a drain on your time. That this is not going to affect anything else in your life. That this is just for fun. 

This is something that you want to do, carelessly. No pressures. No expectations. No nothing.

I now know what runners mean when they say "runners high" or "feeling the wind in your face".

To this date, I don't have a race target or goal time. I always always run for fun. I run because I love how the endorphins break down my worries or stress from trivial things in my life. I love to listen to my own breathing sometime - in out, in out, in out - and with the sweat dripping on the back of my neck,  when I tie my long hair into a bun, the cool air that feels like I am on top of a snow capped mountain. I love how it throws hiccups at me - toenail injuries, side stitches, tired legs - and they feel like small victories instead of problems.

These are not imaginary feelings. This is the real deal, in flesh and blood. When you slowly realize that dormant strength in you - as you morph from someone who moves at a glacial pace to someone who runs like the gazelle, carefree and happy - with the spring of your feet and the belief in your head.

And that, my friends, that feeling right there is what I mean when I say I love running.

Dedicated to all of those who told me and still tell me that running is boring

The Gamification of Social Issues (or What Satyamev Jayate show can do differently)

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Every Sunday at 11 am there is a (scheduled) power outage in my neighborhood. There is also another  prior to that at 6 am everyday. I choose to speak selectively about the Sunday hour because that's when Aamir Khan's show Satyamev Jayate (the show name means - "truth alone prevails") is aired on about 6 TV channels simultaneously.

Sure, a genius move you say. Airing it on atleast 6 channels (both local and ones on cable payed channels). That too Sunday at an hour when you are hopefully not outdoors or working. What are the chances, huh? So you bound to sit and watch and mull and brood and (even cry with Aamir) about the social issues in India.

Only, you didn't anticipate the following:

- There could be a power outage at the time (sad but true. It is easy for me to stream it over Internet later in the day, but I doubt anyone else has the resources or inclination to do that)

- You could be still sleeping. Ask my techie friends. No one gets up from bed on a Sunday until noon.

- You simply don't care. Sure, the first episode or two moved you, you were angered, you teared up and then that's that. You went about your business after the show ended. "Meet you for coffee or movie  late evening? Sure", you tell to your friend over the phone. That's how quickly the pace changes in India. Where everything from getting your home plumbing repaired to servicing your bike is unpredictable (your handyman might not show up, or your bike servicing guy doesn't do his job right). You fight your way through stuff. So why would you waste your time and mind over a damn show? You have your own problems to deal with at every passing second of your life here.

- Someone in your home wants to switch to a different TV channel while the ads are running and then you find another channel that is "interesting". Oh they are playing Salman Khan's "Dabbang" on Sony MAX. Let me see that for a few minutes. That turns into an hour. No more Satyamev Jayate.

- And many more such reasons..too many to list here.

It makes you wonder, what has gone wrong with Indians? Why don't they care anymore? They are busy building farms (FarmVille) or checking-in to joints virtually (Foursquare, Zomato..) but have no time in their lives to spend an hour on a show that discusses social causes?

Lets take a deep breath here and think for a moment.

What drives people? Emotions, shocking truths? Perhaps. That's why the show became a desi version of Oprah Winfrey. The problem is that probably worked for the first two episodes. And strangely we got "accustomed" to that too. Shock value has a short term effect. And then it meets its death.

So why is Farmville more attractive than an emotional, teary-eyed show?

Perhaps the producers at Satyamev may consider Gamification. No kidding.

“In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and – SNAP! – the job’s a game!” - Mary Poppins

And that my friends, is the essence that drives gamification.

Half of the country probably spends half of their time on phones (my ballpark average). Your traditional SMS's might reach out to the masses but there's no hook and bait in that. You need people with resources and bandwidth to first get involved and give their full attention when you speak about social issues.

- Make a mobile app that showcases the issues. Something that people can tap into and listen to instantly.

- Show what is happening in their local neighborhood on the app. People (still) deeply care about what is going on in their neighborhood because it directly affects them and their family. They don't have the downtime to think about the nation's problems. 

- Show a way they can contribute to "fix" these issues without getting too much in the way of their work or daily chores. Make that actionable through the app.

- Anyone who does one of the above three should get some kind of "loyalty" or "contribution" points. Yeah, it is sad how THAT works. But the important thing is THAT works. People get motivated with virtual "incentives" like that. They go bonkers sharing, tweeting, messaging their newly owned popularity on the Web. So go ahead, feed their egos. Nothing wrong with that.

So to the producers and crew at Satyamev Jayate - Make it count. Don't let your hard work go wasted. Because, unfortunately, truth alone doesn't prevail in India. 

Yes, you are the creative type

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The last time I saw dad off into a MRI machine - he was still scared. Scared as hell. Pale as death. 

MRI machines got the best of him. He describes it as a lonely passage to death. "It is more haunting than any ghost story ever. And it is all alone there.", he told me once. It made me think - Isn't there an easier way to do this? Why use a beast of a machine and scare already sick people this way?

So when I saw this video today, I was delighted with what I saw. An MRI machine designed by Doug Deitz, to look like a "pirate ship" at a children's hospital. By making kids forget about the drudgery and loneliness of the process and instead, taking them through an adventure could build confidence in them. 

Creativity, it seems, can be influenced in the same respect. Conquering our fear goes a long way in building one's creative confidence. The speaker highlights there is no such thing as a "creative type". Because how is it then that as kids we all were very creative?:) The only difference between a creative and non-creative type is the confidence, the belief that your idea is creative. And rallying behind this idea, no matter what or who tries to shoot it down. 

So what does getting rid of fear of snakes got to do with opening doors to creative confidence? 

Watch the video.

The Daily Sabbatical - Your vacation every day

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Lately, I find myself asking this question every morning - "How am I going to have fun today?"

No that isn't a joke. Nor is it a self-help cliche. It is something to simulates my brain and force it to find the answer for me. Because I want to sneak in some "fun part" in my day. And asking that question every morning helps me wing it.

I believe this is the sad truth about today - We are always in rush, specially in the mornings, that we forget to set our life's priorities straight. How many times have you heard that the best work is done in the mornings (or late nights)? That is because, devoid of all other distractions, you are bound to ask yourself (or work on) honest, self-actuating questions and you have no excuse to make in the guise of distractions.

Put all that aside and think for a moment - What have you really done today that brought you pleasure or any form of relaxation?

*Crickets chirping*

I think that is going to take more than a moment, honestly.

Everywhere I see, whoever I talk to are in the The Busy Trap. No time for fun things. What's your excuse? 

So there is really no foolproof way to make sure fun "happens" in your day. Unless you plan for it. Until you make it a habit. And then probably you wouldn't need to ask that nagging question everyday.

My daily sabbatical began today - I took an hour out to play tennis. An hour I would otherwise spend aimlessly on Twitter. Yes, you are never going to work on "something productive" in that one hour, no matter how many times your brain tells you that. 

The key is to just shut off for one hour a day and do whatever you think is fun. 

That could be doing yoga, reading a book, cooking a meal, walking your dog, working out in the gym..whatever makes you tick.  

Make sure that one hour is really that one hour when you have no excuse to give.

I often see people making excuses about how tired and beaten they are in the evening, so they will happily skip the gym, only to sit and watch TV at home. Either you are really sick or you hate working out. But if it's neither of them, then it's just a time that is not going to work out for you. Instead pick morning hours (if you are an early bird) or pick a "gap time" like around noon when you hit a productivity slump. 

Make sure that it is really fun. Seriously.

The whole point is to have fun/relax/enjoy. If it feels like work, then perhaps that is not your fun activity. So don't allot that one hour to maybe planning your taxes. It is got to be fun. Period.

But I love Facebook or Twitter...Isn't that fun?

Sure, stalking people's profiles on Facebook and reading through a flood of random tweets "feels" like fun or relaxing. Now here's what I challenge you to do with that. Try restricting it to 15 mins. Doable? I think not. The problem with too much Internet is it morphs into this time sink - that mental rabbit hole - you keep digging and digging never to come back. In short, let me define fun for you - something that really simulates your senses, makes you feel creatively free or refreshed. Now tell me how many of you had that "refreshing" feeling after facebooking?

Even if you think you are the most boring person in the world and the only fun thing you can think of is watching TV, allow me to make a more enterprising pitch - Carving out a "me time" is essential for both your personal and professional well-being. That means you live longer and you get paid better (although I can't guarantee your professional success is linearly related to your paycheck). 

I am guessing even if all you want to do is daydream (good news: there is research that daydreaming makes you a tad creative), it still counts. Just don't start pounding away on your smartphone or tablet or laptop. Not cool.

So what's your daily sabbatical plan?