Why all women need not be overachievers

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Before going any further - I am all for women who are ambitious. So there's no debate needed on that. My problem is with women's movements that focus completely on how women "should be" ambitious, how women are "not doing enough", why women should "aim higher" and yada yada. Specially a plethora of literature of late focusses on how we must catch up with the men, how we should not let go of opportunities in favor of family etc. It just leaves me more fatigued than energized.

Don't get me yet? Read the latest bestseller - Lean-in. For some reason, I wasn't convinced about the messaging in the book. Maybe it is just me but I don't buy this propaganda about pushing ourselves to be ambitious on every turn. That's the first red flag on your way to stress-ville. And it just got worser when it became women specific (it is quite clear that on average, women have more responsibilities in most households than men do). All that argument to be treated as equals with men, in my opinion, is now being abused and creating more stressful conditions for working women.

I understand where this is coming from - there are still plenty of women facing equal opportunity issues at work. I don't deny that. And so far as this movement is aimed at helping women realize their strengths and moving forward, I am all for it. The problem comes when it conflicts with family and personal health.

When did we last have fun and do something just because we enjoyed it?

When did we last sleep a full 8-9 hours without anything about work/personal issues on mind?

When did we last prioritize family over work or other personal pursuits?

In short, when did we women, last feel like a human and less of a robot?

As it is being a woman, and supporting family and kids and doing a great job at work should get us gold stars.  

So in this context I want to ask the Sheryl Sandbergs of the world who are hell-bent on "doing it all" - "Why isn't being good enough, good enough?" Going after something and pushing ourselves is a matter of personal choice. If that works for some, that's good. If that doesn't work for some, that's good too.

An average working woman might not have the money nor the inclination to put her child in a day care. She (hopefully) loves her children as much as she loves her work. And she wants her time to be divided equally. Nothing wrong with that. It is that tad little thing called balance and women are hardwired for it. Making compromises is not necessarily bad either, if you know what you want. And in such cases it is a healthy choice to make. Not all of us have supporting partners, families or kids - so it is quite clear that every woman's life is distinct and doesn't need to revolve around maximizing career prospects.

Instead of recognizing the already fantastic jobs that women do, we suggest she start focussing on work & career (regardless of whether she wants it or not) and put herself up as a leader. I want to ask - is being a mother less of a leader? Is rearing a family a chore? Some women find meaning in taking care of their family. They want to spend time with parents, spouse and kids, they want to keep their home happy, healthy and joyful. They are celebrating life just like other women who love their lives in a high flying corporate job. And there is nothing wrong with either. It is a personal choice we make.

Women shouldn't feel less of a leader if they are not overachievers or ambitious. Like anyone else - men or women - they should aim to do what makes them happy. It serves as a good reminder that life is not a competition, it is a celebration.  If being good enough makes women happy, so be it. If living a contented life and doing meaningful work and investing in family is what women like to do, so be it. 

So to all the women out there, I want to tell you this - You are doing a great job!

Because guess what is the single most important leadership job (performed under incredible pressure and constraints and the most hard to perfect)? Its motherhood.

How to find fulfilling work

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"Where the needs of the world and your talents cross, there lies your vocation" - Aristotle

Because finding fulfilling work is a bit like finding a lover...

The No-Regrets Policy

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Sometimes (ok, most of the times) I get up in the morning and jump right into the morning rush. No prayers, no thank you's, no good mornings, no nothing. I am snoozing till the last nano second and then I am jumping out of the bed, right into the shower.

Not good.

The whole concept of a morning ritual struck me odd, for a really long time. My inner voice kept saying - "Really, look at that. All the fools going through an elaborate time in the morning doing stuff, when they could actually catch some precious snooze time." You know inner voice, you were wrong, all the way. The essence behind morning rituals is to look at yourself, reflect and set the pace for the day. I ask you, how many times has it happened that a bad start to the day resulted in a productive rest of the day? Zero, I can bet. Because you didn't set the tone for your day. You didn't speak to your mind and tell "Hey mind, I have done good so far. I am healthy, happy and wise so I thank God and family and friends for all the good things. Today is going to be rocking, as usual."

And then there is this whole "looking back" business. You know, looking back is always a tricky thing. You focus so much on the negatives, the wrong stuff that has happened. If only, that certain something, event or incident didn't happen.

Let me tell you something today. "If only" are the two most dangerous words. Ever.

Because you are looking at yourself in the mirror and saying things like -

"If only, my skin didn't break into pimples all the time."

"If only, I was not fat like this."

"If only, I hadn't splurged like that on food or shopping or whatever last night."

"If only, I had performed good enough to get that promotion at work."

"If only, I knew I was such an idiot then."

"If only, I didn't get into this relationship."

You get the drift. 

The problem with regretting is it continues in an infinite loop. Never ending self-inflicting physical and mental pain, becomes a habit. There are probably a thousand times when I said - "No I am not going to regret and feel self-pity." But you give up fighting and jump right into the regret loop. Because your mind is tuned to that.

Now, how the hell am I supposed to break this loop you ask?

I think, the answer (like everything else), lies in the way we form habits. By habits, I simply mean small changes. Instead of telling "I am not going to regret, why not form some habits that are going to change the regret filled regret behavior?"And that is why this whole brouhaha about morning rituals. Because really the people who are getting up in the morning a little early, and praying and spending time with family and kids or just meditating aren't fools. They are performing, right there, the ritual that breaks the regret loop (perhaps even unintentionally). 

The problem with rushing through your morning is you really give no time for your mind to find and hook onto something that will help you through a possibly nasty day. Then you are jumping from one task to another. You are getting sucked into the vortex of emotions that will make or break your day, without your permission (unbelievable how something else controls your life!). Is that how you want your life to be? Give it up, for some unknown entity to drive it. And then do self-bashing about things you could have achieved. If only?

Of course, looking back itself is not a one stop solution to regret. In fact it can morph into the problem itself. Because either you could look back and tell "Hey, I had a crappy X no. of years so far. What did I achieve?" or tell "Hey, I had the most beautiful X years so far. Beautiful and nasty experiences that have shaped my personality and I am ready for all the challenges"

So looking back is good, only to take you forward. The answer then, lies in habits - like the morning ritual. It sets the tone for your day. Even if it means 5 minutes of waking up early and counting your blessings, do it. Do it every single day. Don't break that chain. Slowly see that turn into a habit - like brushing your teeth or tying your shoe laces. It becomes mechanical and becomes a part of you. If need be, get someone to be your support system - friend, spouse, family, colleague, whoever. Someone who reminds you to get back in line. To keep your regret-free conditioning intact.

Regret is the single most evil thing that has happened to humans. It just gets worser and worser if ignored. I am a victim and I am stage three (no this is not even funny). I am ready to fight this, head on. 

It is astonishing how this whole "escape from stress and regret" thing is a multi billion dollar business. 

No amount of indefinite vacation or a 5 day yoga retreat is going to change your habit of regret. The only change that will make a dent in this is change - slow, consistent and sustainable change. 

You need to say to yourself - "Today is the most important day of my life. And I wont let it pass in regret for something that is already gone by. For some bullshit that you wouldn't even remember a few days from now."

If only I never used the two words - If only. (See I did that again! Regretting like that)

The power of purpose

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An intern asked me a question recently (rephrased here), over lunch - "I am so confused with my options. Which team do you think I must join?"

I silently chuckled at that question. I saw in her, myself, nearly a decade back, asking a similar question. And I wish I got the answer that I gave her - "It doesn't really matter". Of course, she didn't seem quite convinced by that answer. 

She eventually did, after I was able to spend a good 15 mins, telling what she should rather focus her energies and time on. Of course, like several of us, she will be influenced by her experiences, her peers and the people she meets and that will either steer towards or away from the advice I gave her.

And this is what I told her -

On an average, we all work towards excellence. Nobody aims for mediocrity. We want to know as we much as we can about all "good" things in the world and how to achieve them - job promotions, higher paychecks, high-flying lifestyles, fame, attention and recognition. What we don't understand is that most of them are really tangible, short-term benefits. In the long run, what matters is did you find that one thing you love and were you able to achieve it?

Briefly put - "Did you find your purpose in life?"

School and college are some of the best times to explore that question because you have all that time away from relationships, job stress, family obligations. For some, it is immediately clear.  For some others, it takes about few years. For the rest (a fairly large proportion of people), it takes an incredibly long time - during this process you have two choices:

- Give up and settle

- Don't settle and keep looking

The problem we face on an everyday basis is this - you are always working for immediate, short-term, tangible benefits. (And the question the intern posed falls in this bucket). How many times have we faced a choice between the short term and the long term? We almost always favor the former with a quick justification of "just this once". And before you realize, you have been doing this too many times (not just once).

The question(s) she must rather ask is/are - "How can I grow? Where are the learning opportunities and how can I seize them? What are some specific things I must try out? Is this what I like to do with my time? Is this what I love? Is this what I want to become?" Unfortunately, there are no clear answers to such questions. You learn, evolve and move on from one experience to another; checking each item on your infinite list of things to do towards finding your purpose. The lesson being, to try out as many things you can, to be open-minded, to stop judging, and to constantly question the purpose behind everything. 

This is the most important (and also the most difficult) thing you will ever learn - To keep your head above all trivialities in life and be focussed on finding, committing and achieving your purpose. Every time you face a choice, you ask yourself - "Is this inline with my purpose in life?"

The cliche of fairy tale romance

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"So how do I look? Do I look like the floodlights?", I ask my boyfriend, on no particular occasion. He nods in approval. 

I was wearing a beaten-to-death jeans and an equally ancient men's t-shirt that doubled up as my nightwear. Clearly my nails weren't manicured (I have never had a manicure btw) while my boyfriend sported a set of perfectly shaped nails that could put a well-groomed girls' to shame. And yet, my boyfriend says, I look like the floodlights. 

Yes we get it - Love is blind.

But I have an itch to scratch today. Plenty of rom-coms later, I am left with a feeling that I have been set up for failure. Nothing in real life mirrors those stories of happily ever after.

No, really. As a couple, we are either running errands, strategizing commute routes, envying other couples, debating work-life balance, discussing dad's health. What ever happened to the promise of a fairy tale romance? Welcome quarter-life crisis.

Catching a movie (mostly terrible ones) is the closest thing to romance in the modern day. 

#facepalm

The other day, we bought flowers as a wedding gift for a friend. That was the closest I have been to "smelling roses". Pun intended, btw. "You never bought me flowers", I try to take a dig at my boyfriend, winking at him. "Do you even know how they look, like, put together nicely? They have this way of arranging and wrapping them, they cut the ribbons with their fingers...", he goes on to explain me.

The florist girl interrupts - "Which roses you want? Bolo." And I stare back blankly. Frozen. My boyfriend is quick to respond "Red ones, a few yellows in between. Actually, whatever you think fit." I look at him suspiciously. Umm ok, he knows more than me about flowers, so what. But they never showed me this side of things in the rom-coms I watched.

#betrayed (yet again)

"Daisies are the friendliest flowers", I say to him, as the florist gets to work. "From the movie You've Got Mail", I add quickly sounding triumphant at my knowledge of rom-coms. He seems, not strangely, unimpressed. 

What? No chivalry?

I am not bowed down by this apparent lack of chivalry in my relationship. I decided I will give back to the world, you know, a bit of chivalry, a bit of courteousness and a bit of old-fashioned charm. I am all for giving back. Needless to say, that didn't work either. Holding one of the double doors at a local hospital got me strange stares from people. An old woman gave me a confused look "Isn't she a little too young or unconventional to be a doorman?".

"Anna, you forgot the (bike) stand" or "Boss, indicator lights are on" are the closest calls of courteousness I have experienced on Indian roads. Yes, Indians are like that, full of contradictions.

Hmm, this whole thing needs some serious research. (Puts on my imaginary thinking hat)

I mean seriously, I could tell my boyfriend that sometimes he sings horribly while he thinks he sounds like Udit Narayan. But I wasn't taught like that you know. My parents fed me a healthy dose of rom-coms. And then he is always telling me Brahmi, Balaiah, Senthil, Vivek jokes and spamming me with Mashable and Techcrunch links from his Google Reader. This is the limit only.

Where is the romance? I want romance. (Refer below video at 2:50 for perspective)

Maybe I will shake him up today and say "I am a fine lady - treat me like one." Although I need to dress like one. Hmm, scratch that. Too much work. 

Of course, unlike ladies, I will agree this trend is partly my fault. I clearly haven't prepared him to a life of chivalry. Spoiled him rotten from the day I offered to split our bills to standing in the queues for filing his taxes or buying movie tickets for both to carrying his jacket. But a lady can take only so much no?

I think I will surprise him today by asking flowers. No, I will have to then think of what to do with those flowers then. Too much stress. Maybe I will shop a lot with his credit card. Hmm, no patience with trial room lines, unresponsive sales people and having to choose..Too much decision making. Stressful again. Maybe I will order the priciest dish in the priciest restaurant? But, but, but I like only food at those "all you can eat" and cheap dhaba and tiffin centre like places. 

Uff, so tough this is.

Ooh, what is this. New mail from boyfriend. Another (predictably) Techcrunch link:

Avocado Founders Unleash Guacamole, An API Just for Couples Apps

No, I am not even making that up. A few weeks earlier, we were discussing the trivia behind naming a mobile app (related to couples) as Avocado. Ok since you have read this blog so far I shall share the trivia with you. Avocados grow in pairs, hence the "fundoo" name for the app. The closest to romantic discussion we have had in months. This is not even funny anymore. Hmm. 

But really an API, an entire toolkit for all apps geared towards couples? A platform for couples? I wouldn't have imagined that in 2001 when I was writing my first Hello World program in C language.

Ok, in that case, I am declaring an open forum for romance related counsel. This will be like Oprah Winfrey of Indian Romance Counseling. I will have grassroot workers go to schools teaching the basics of chivalry to young men. I will write software to push notifications on your mobile phones, so you can read unsolicited rom advice crowdsourced from all of web, while you are doing important things like laundry or playing Angry Birds. (Yes, you can thank me later) And I shall open source the API too (remember I believe in giving back?)

Posting this soon before boyfriend requests censorship. Once its out on the Internet, there is no looking back.

Update:
New mail (with some video link) from boyfriend reads in the subject: "wot are these suits? they are flyin off gennnnn". Labeling it as "Unread and Important".

The Daily Sabbatical - Your vacation every day

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Lately, I find myself asking this question every morning - "How am I going to have fun today?"

No that isn't a joke. Nor is it a self-help cliche. It is something to simulates my brain and force it to find the answer for me. Because I want to sneak in some "fun part" in my day. And asking that question every morning helps me wing it.

I believe this is the sad truth about today - We are always in rush, specially in the mornings, that we forget to set our life's priorities straight. How many times have you heard that the best work is done in the mornings (or late nights)? That is because, devoid of all other distractions, you are bound to ask yourself (or work on) honest, self-actuating questions and you have no excuse to make in the guise of distractions.

Put all that aside and think for a moment - What have you really done today that brought you pleasure or any form of relaxation?

*Crickets chirping*

I think that is going to take more than a moment, honestly.

Everywhere I see, whoever I talk to are in the The Busy Trap. No time for fun things. What's your excuse? 

So there is really no foolproof way to make sure fun "happens" in your day. Unless you plan for it. Until you make it a habit. And then probably you wouldn't need to ask that nagging question everyday.

My daily sabbatical began today - I took an hour out to play tennis. An hour I would otherwise spend aimlessly on Twitter. Yes, you are never going to work on "something productive" in that one hour, no matter how many times your brain tells you that. 

The key is to just shut off for one hour a day and do whatever you think is fun. 

That could be doing yoga, reading a book, cooking a meal, walking your dog, working out in the gym..whatever makes you tick.  

Make sure that one hour is really that one hour when you have no excuse to give.

I often see people making excuses about how tired and beaten they are in the evening, so they will happily skip the gym, only to sit and watch TV at home. Either you are really sick or you hate working out. But if it's neither of them, then it's just a time that is not going to work out for you. Instead pick morning hours (if you are an early bird) or pick a "gap time" like around noon when you hit a productivity slump. 

Make sure that it is really fun. Seriously.

The whole point is to have fun/relax/enjoy. If it feels like work, then perhaps that is not your fun activity. So don't allot that one hour to maybe planning your taxes. It is got to be fun. Period.

But I love Facebook or Twitter...Isn't that fun?

Sure, stalking people's profiles on Facebook and reading through a flood of random tweets "feels" like fun or relaxing. Now here's what I challenge you to do with that. Try restricting it to 15 mins. Doable? I think not. The problem with too much Internet is it morphs into this time sink - that mental rabbit hole - you keep digging and digging never to come back. In short, let me define fun for you - something that really simulates your senses, makes you feel creatively free or refreshed. Now tell me how many of you had that "refreshing" feeling after facebooking?

Even if you think you are the most boring person in the world and the only fun thing you can think of is watching TV, allow me to make a more enterprising pitch - Carving out a "me time" is essential for both your personal and professional well-being. That means you live longer and you get paid better (although I can't guarantee your professional success is linearly related to your paycheck). 

I am guessing even if all you want to do is daydream (good news: there is research that daydreaming makes you a tad creative), it still counts. Just don't start pounding away on your smartphone or tablet or laptop. Not cool.

So what's your daily sabbatical plan?

Blast from the Past : How to stop regretting about your past

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Firstly, it has been a restless day and I didn't expect that of all the things I have in my head to write about, I pick a self-help topic as this one. Consider this as my way to vent. It also surprises me how I write more often these days when I am in extreme stress as opposed to maybe happier days I have had. This is probably my creative outlet then, ha?

Getting back to the topic, so what triggered this post was a really surprising and unexpected move from me. Last week I was casually chatting with an old friend (whom I haven't been in touch with) and during the conversation I shocked him by revealing something about my past. This was not deliberate. There came a point in the conversation when my body almost repulsed and shouted back - "Stop lying". So I just bluntly stunned him with the truth. 

And tonight I thought over and over again. What really happened? Why did I react that way? Was it silly and stupid for me to do that? Was that a meltdown? Or was that normal? Where did all that tough facade I put up go? 

And then it struck me. All this stuff is because I hold onto too much of my past. Again today, a good friend of mine told me that he is terrified of how much I regret sometimes about my past. I told him - "It isn't easy you know. I have been through tough stuff". Thinking back about it - who hasn't?

So I jot down few mental notes on what it takes to stop regretting and I hope to follow these and bring about a change in my perspective.

1. Stop lying - this doesn't mean you go around the town sharing your deepest secrets. It just means when something about your past comes up, it is always best to be honest. And I really mean - always. People generally don't give a shit about who you were before - because honestly, that shit's old, ok?

2. Embrace your past - easier said that done. You know how when people tell you "Everything happens for a reason" and you nod to it but you are secretly annoyed with that statement? That's right. That happens all the time. The best way to embrace your past is to ask yourself - "Would you have been as awesome as you are today, if not for those things in the past?"

3. Live in the moment - because two things matter the most in life - time and love. Nothing else matters really. And when you don't live in the moment you are either hurting the people you love or wasting your time. None of which can be corrected.

4. Live your own life, not others' - you know how a certain precedent set by your parents gives you an excuse that you didn't do much in your life because they told you so? That's an excuse. If you were up for it, you would have fought for what you wanted. When there is no fight, there no thrill in achieving what you want. Stop blaming and shifting the regret on others. Your life is your own, live it.

5. You have been through shit  - so ask yourself today "What more shit can happen?". You will be surprised how that works like a swiss army knife in every situation. Developing a positive attitude starts with that statement. Most of it is because of circumstances that are beyond your control. Learn to accept it and make peace with it.

6. Practice gratitude - only genuine gratitude. You will be surprised by how positive your nerves feel after a genuine act of kindness or gratitude. Give that seat to some elderly person, smile and greet people at your workplace, appreciate your mom's cooking, help your dad out in fixing something at home, write an email or a letter to someone you love, make a call to your best friend, offer to help your colleague at work, surprise your loved ones. It goes a long way. Now wonder where is the time to regret :)

7. Find a creative outlet - to vent/share/express your feelings.  This can be talking to your loved and trusted ones. Or taking up a piece of art. Or signing up to learn something new. Be on a mission to find that single something that will bring piece to your wretched mind.  Keep looking. Don't settle.

8. Stop wallowing in self-pity - do you identify with the moment when you looked at someone's perfectly happy and seemingly smooth life in pictures on Facebook? Now did you wish that were you? Let me break the bad news to you - their life cannot be yours. Stop comparing yourself with others. Your life is what you make of it. Don't waste on being like others when you can be you. Your experiences with life build your unique personality. Who needs perfect? That's boring.