War of the Word

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You know how you get into that REM kind of deep sleep. You are floating somewhere, amongst mountains and beautiful valleys, air bubbles and flowers and lots of food (in my case, haha)..only to be interrupted by a freaking phone call x-(

So this is how my REM was disturbed last night.

Phone rings


Me: Hmm..
Voice on the phone: Where is the fcuking print?
Me: Whaa???
Voice on the phone: I cant find it. Where is Print and Print Preview?
Me: Print Preview? What? Who's this? Someone from office?
Voice on the phone: This is God. Now where the fcuk is print?
Me: Dad!!!!!! WTF?
Dad: Yes, good morning. I got my computer fixed today at the store. The guy formatted the whole damn thing and put Microsoft Word 2007. I can't find print preview, I don't see the usual buttons. That arrogant SOB changed everything.
Me: Who? The store guy? But that is the new Word dad...Word 2007 interface is different.  And it is not the store guy's fault.
Dad: I am talking about Bill Gates
Me: He doesn't work for Microsoft anymore. He runs charities and Malaria awareness and...
Dad: SOB. Did I wake you up?
Me: (Sarcastically) Oh no, I was doing laundry.
Dad: Don't get sarcastic with me. What do they teach you at work these days? To get sarcastic with your own parents?
Me: I didn't know they "teach" at work. And it is not Bill Gates' fault.
Dad: First I lose my files. Then I don't find a print preview. And then I have to deal with your chatter.
Me: Stop PMSing ok? I know where to find the print preview. And I am not saying a word until you apologize to me.

Crickets chirping


Dad: OK
Me: Ok what?
Dad: Apologized
Me: From when did OK replace a Sorry?
Dad: Fine
Me: I am looking for S-O-R-R-Y
Dad: I know how it spells. You just spelt Sorry
Me: Ok
Dad: And I just told the word
Me: Fineeeeeee. Click on that Windows logo on the top..extreme left
Dad: You kidding me?
Me: No. That's where they put it all. Open, Save, Print etc..
Dad: That arrogant SOB
Me: Ya I know. They should have asked you.
Dad: What do they pay you guys for? To readjust buttons on the interface? That is what you call programming?
Me: Oh come on. I don't work for Microsoft.
Dad: Then what is it that you do? Why do you get paid so much more than me?

And then an hour long discussion continued...

Divider skirt

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The other day A and I were discussing the very controversial topic of Divider Skirts. Ahem.

The first time I had mentioned it was to my dad, at age 15. It was one of those "I need to get  new uniform because I have grown taller" moments. My dad was very bothered at the rate I was growing tall. He was bothered due to economical reasons, of course. So it was time. He had to take me to store to buy me a new uniform. That meant two sets - one green in color and another a white one. White, because, that's what we wore on Saturdays, you know, for doing all that morning drill stuff? Anyway. This time, however, it had to be a divider skirt, not the normal one. So when he took me to the local garment retailer, I said,"Umm, this time I need a divider skirt".

I heard my dad squeal, not in delight, but in disgust.

He looked straight in my eye and said, "And WTF is a divider skirt?"

How uncouth and un-gentlemanly of him.

"Divider skirt, that which divides like a trouser", I said

"So you mean long bermudas", he said

F***

He chuckled and said to the sales guy over the counter, "Some divider skirt, kathe yaaro..." (which in the local slang means - Some divider skirt, my friend)

The sales guy nodded like he knew what I was talking. He brought two or three of them. Of course, my dad asked him to stop bullshitting and get the cheapest one available but also the most durable. To which, I seemed to have told him that the most durable wasn't necessarily going to be the cheapest anyway, because of obvious macro economics laws. And he very unabashedly asked me to stop bullshitting him.

Now our very serious sales guy added an extra 20 Indian rupees to the most awesome divider skirt he fished out for us. Of course, that didn't please daddy dearest.

Dad: Woh last time,  two sau ka liye the.. (The last time I purchased it was 200 Indian rupees)

Sales guy: Woh, do saal pehle ka tha saab. Abhi rate-aa bad gaye (It was 2 years ago, the rates have increased now)

Dad: Zamaane se aarum yahan pe. Tumhaare saab aur hum ek ich school mein padthe the (I have been a long time customer here. Your owner and I went to the same school)

Sales guy: Maaloom saab, vo-ich bees daala main. Nahi tho vo assi ka padtha, divider skirt (I know, that's why I charged only 20 against 80 rupees for a divider skirt)

Dad: Ek beech ki seelaayi ke liye assi lethe? Kya zamaana aa gaya. Apne zamaane mein hum usse bermuda bola karthe the (For a sewing in between, you demand 80 rupees? In our times, we used to call such a thing as a bermuda)

Meanwhile, lots of chuckles were exchanged between men in the store

Me: This is so disgraceful. I won't take anything less than a divider skirt.

Still heard chuckles from men.

Me: But Mrs. Bhaskar Rao will not let me do drill if I don't have a divider skirt

Dad: Does she wear one?

Me: No she wears a saree

Dad: There is no divider saree?

Me: I need a divider skirt. Now.

Dad: Fine.

Looks at the sales guy and says something and finalizes it for the same rate as the original non-divider skirt

The ride back home on my dad's TVS moped was spent listening to him grumbling about the divider skirt. And if you knew my dad even remotely, this went on for some time from grumbling to humor to crass jokes on how divider skirts could actually empower women.

That night ended on a note.

Dad: Tell Mrs. Bhaskar Rao, I am getting her a divider skirt on her birthday.

How to use aliens to solve your network problems

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My dad has this passion..to sue people. No he is not a lawyer. LOL.
I often tell him he should be in the Americas. He can do that sort of a thing here with more impact maybe?

So recently he completely switched off his mobile and started using my mom's.
I asked him what's up with that thing switched off? Knowing him I asked if he was trying to do some sort of cost cutting or if he was unhappy with the mobile network service? Alright it's Airtel. As if I have something to lose if I take their name. LOL. Anyway, what I least expected to learn was this:

Dad: I keep getting text messages from this website or service I am not subscribed to and each such message cuts down one rupee from my talktime.
Me: Whoa.
Dad: Ya I get these texts from some IleanaWorld or something
Me: LOL.
Dad: Things like Ileana is going to take a bath. Ileana wants to talk to you.
Me: Double LOL.
Me: Well..cant you just ask the Airtel guys to like block that?
Dad: I sorta liked it in the beginning.
Me: Why am I not surprised..
Dad: But it cuts my talktime balance and there are too many messages. If only it was a free service.
Me: Ya right. So did they block it?
Dad: I went twice to them. Its worser now. I get these messages on mom's mobile too.
Me: Uh oh.
Dad: I think its a virus..
Me: Sorry, what?
Dad: Virus, don't you think?
Me: Nice try. Tell that to someone else, not me. x-( You would have given your cellphone numbers on some crazy website. So you go and solve it now.
Dad: Sigh.

After couple of days..

Me: So whats up?
Dad: I am suing these guys..I have had it.
Me: What happened?
Dad: They are unable to block it.
Me: Really? :O
Dad: I went there and yelled at them..
Me: ..your style? "I will sue you and write to the local newspaper and take you to the consumer court" thing?
Dad: Ya, initially..
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: Well, I sort of went soft on them.
Me: (Oh my! Thats a first time). I dont believe that for a second! You would have gone ballistic..
Dad: I initially did. I said I am gona sue them all. And then I did the faux pas!
Me: ????
Dad: I said their service will die when aliens come down to earth.
Me: (By this time I got bored of his conversation and was chatting with A on the other end...jus when I heard the word aliens I jumped up). Did you say aliens???
Dad: (Eating a snack on the other end, in a muffled voice) Yes.
Me: LOL.
Dad: As a matter of fact, I said the day aliens come down they are gona destroy all of us. And they would take over. There would be no democracy, no sh*** mobile networks, nothing. They will take control. They didn't get it..
Me: Of course. LOL.
Dad: The customer service reps took a deep interest in this subject. One of them asked me: "aliens ante yovarandi?" (telugu for "who are aliens?")
Me: LOL
Dad: I said "They will be tiny. Green in color. And their blood would be brown in color with large ears and smarter brains"
Me: Was that necessary?
Dad: (Still eating..) I am surprised they didn't watch all those brilliant alien and space movies. Specially Spielberg's.
Me: Ya well, pride yourself. lol.
Dad: That blew up into a conversation abt aliens and unnecessary chatter. I lost my way thru it. But one of them got friendly with me and believed all I told abt aliens. She promised me she would block the damn ileana messages.
Me: Sure. So now you solve problems thru storytelling. Good for ya.
Dad: I guess I will talk Armageddon the next time..

Big Deal!

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Ok, so I am in United States. So, what's the big deal?
Recent conversation with my dad:

[I call him up after a night out of err..academics (ok so i watched a movie, so wot? I studied too!x()]

After all that dialling Indian mobile # and my balance updates from a sucky voice on IVRS, I delve right into the conversation..

Me: So whats up?
Dad: Oh hi my dear baby, Manjuttie.

[Me is confused. Dad never really gets all "sweet" and "gooey" like that]

Me: Err..ya, hi dad. Dear dad!
Dad: So hows the apartment at New York [emphasising on "New York" so much that I thought for once
I was beginning to hear things TWICE. argh!]

Me: What apartment?
Dad: Ya, so you got an internship at NEW YORK. CONGRATULATIONSSSS!!

Me: Didnt I inform you that late October last year? [Still confused]
Dad: [Paying no attention, whatsoever] So what is the time at TEXAS?

Me: Huh!! Gosh! Where the heck are you? Are you outside?
Dad: [Finally answering my question] Yes, at this society meeting.

Me: Oh yaaa. That explains all this NEW YORK, TEXAS emphasis huh?
Dad: [Switching back] So how is the weather there at Texas?

Me: Dad, stop!!
Dad: I was just telling Mr. XYZ, about your trip to Seattle

Me: Ya, god bless him, but does he even know what you are talking about? He doesn't know what "Seattle" is, I bet.
Dad: And I told him my daughter has been to Seattle and it rains there all the time

Me: Why don't you also tell him about the weather at Colorado, San Franscisco, Florida and New York? It doesn't matter if I have been there or not. Also tell him that it doesn't rain that much at SF, funny ain't it?
Dad: So i heard the apartment at NY costs 3000$ per month? It is 1,20,000 rupees per month na?

Me: [I give up] Alright I will call you later. Do you friggin' know it costs 6 cents/min for this stupid call. Switch off the mobile and speak to your heart's content. It doesn't matter if I am on the phone.
Dad: Ok, I will you back when I am home. HEHEHE.

Me: [After hanging up] So much for hi my dear baby! x-((((((

And thats how you build character..

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If you ask me this whole thing about "building character" is bullshit.

There was a time when i jumped around in skirts, basking in ma outdoorsy delights (playing marbles! yayyyy!!)
or simply taking pride in ma elementary school victories (winning a lemon-n-spoon contest! yayyyyy!)

But dad wud'nt think so! x-(

He wanted me to clean the porch or cut vegetables for mom or learn "how to pay the home electricity bill"
Becoz he thot it builds character.

I argued "How can standing in one long queue outside a govt. office drenching in ma own sweat and praying that ma turn to pay the bill came soon, build character?"
Its supposed to give me a headache, if you ask me!

Or there was a time when I was sick and crawled upto him one nite and said, "Dad, i wana puke." and he said, "There's the bathroom. You know what to do".
"You know wot, i dono how to puke! So you better get out of the bed!"

And thats when after da bathroom hustle I was lectured more on character building.

Later as I began to stay out of home, I finally said to maself "Manju, no more character building.!"

Along came "cleanliness" freaks, "perfectionist" team leads, "organized" roommates
All of them with a single motto "character building is the crux of life"

Now when ma dad calls me, he often asks
"So are you guys paying up your bills in time?"

To which I reply, "Yeah. All the character building apparently has gone ONLINE"

Why can't I ever build character in a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
-- Calvin

Jupiter Colony..

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Years of ridicule.
Years of humiliation.
Naa..not anymore, I wondered aloud..
Today, I shall crack the fundaa..abt why the place where I live is called "Jupiter Colony"

--Flashback--

At school:
Kid1: I stay in BHEL colony.
Kid2: I come from Marredpally.
Kid3[Me,hair tied in ribbons!]: Err...Juuuupppppiiiittter Colony..

*guffaws*

At college:
Lecturer: So you stay far off?
Me: Yeah!
Lecturer: Hitech city? Mahendra Hills? blah blah blah
Me:Err...Juuuupppppiiiittter Colony..
Lecturer: [Gives me a u-must-be-kidding-me look.]

*Sigh*

At work:
Teammie: What...what is this address? [pointing at ma IT returns form]
Me[unabashed!]: Jupiter Colony! Thats right!
Teammie: ye, neengaala earth range ilaya...Jupiter daa na?
Me: Cursing the founder of the colony..may god *not* rest his peace in soul..

--FlashBack ends--

At home, dinner table..

Me[with a sullen look]: So wots for dinner?

*Silence*

Mom serves macekerel(fish)..

Me[sullen look transits to gluttonous look]: Mom!!! You are the grrrrrrrrrrrrreatest!

Dad: Ya ya, it takes a grilled fish to make her great.

Me[gorging on food]: Say,dad..werent you ever embarrassed abt telling u r from Jupiiiiitttttter Colony?

Dad: Naa..I always thought it was kinda kool.

Me: Wot?! Look there should be some reason to this whole Jupiter-Vupiter fundaa...
Think about it..
SBI colony - becoz bank families live there.
BHEL colony - coz its BHEL employees inc.
Railway Colony - its railway employees again..

Dad:
Old city - coz old ppl live there?
S R Nagar - coz Sanjeev reddy's soul looms there?
Cmon! wots the bleddy point?

Me: Dont jack ass me!

Dad: U seen "DoubtFire"(english flick)? Robin Williams makes up dat name, remember? Jus' like that..mayb jus ran outta names.

Me: Its a billion plus population for godssakes..how could they run outta names? Or mayb he was a fanatical scientist..or meteorologist?

Dad: Or mayb his ancestors discovered Jupiter?

Me: Or mayb aliens ruled here?

Dad: Hmm. Mayb he was born to aliens...? alien child? hahaha:)

Me: Or mayb he had a girlfriend by name "Jupiter"?

We agreed to disagree..

Karaoke -

I don't know what it is
that makes me feel like this
I don't know who you are
but you must be some kind of superstar
coz you got all eyes on you no matter where you are

Superstar - Jamelia :)