Get busy living or get busy surviving

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Yes, I know that line from Shawshank Redemption. But wait, there is probably a more horrible thing than death - the act of surviving.  Because honestly you or me or anyone who is alive has no idea of what death really means. Maybe few of us do. But that's just that. 

We go through our daily grind trying to survive. This is what we call the "busy work". What can be worser use of our time on earth than that?

Each of us are capable of so much more valuable stuff - but we are getting busy - surviving. We create the false hope that someday we will break free and build a life we want. We assure ourselves, every single day of our lives this: It takes only so much saving up of money, or sacrificing love or time with family and friends. But we miserably fail to get out of that rabbit hole we have dug for ourselves.

What are we afraid of? Why only so few people inhabiting this world, have the courage and willpower to be honest with themselves?

Many times it is that job you don't want to quit, the marriage you are trying to keep afloat, the society you don't want to offend.  Who are these fictional people and why does their importance vaporize when you are faced with death? 

What does it really take to follow your passion? Or make your days exciting? Or appreciate the beauty around you? Or live in the moment and forget about retirement?

What's stopping you? What's terrifying you?

This is because we are taught and drilled into our heads again and again that wealth, status and fame are the only "values" worth living for. Everything else, well, we have no place for that. And suddenly just like that happiness evades us, because we are in a mad pursuit of such shallow values. We are constantly bitter about things around us that we fail to embrace who we are and of what unique things we are capable of. 

You live only once and for that you owe yourself an explanation about why you are busy surviving and not busy living, creating wonderful things.

Flawbulous

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Yeah, I know. I just made up that word. Fits right in with the culture of "wannabes" we experience today. This is one of those days and without wasting any more time, I rant. 

This world can be seen as two sides of a coin. The two sides make up what I call - "Lazy is too much lazy and achievement is too less achievement". Lets decrypt the achievement side of the coin first. Because you know, it is easier to be bloody jealous of achievers. Haha. 

Day in and day out, I see countless kids in India getting pressured into stuff in the name of achievement. Because you know if you aren't a topper in the class, a world class sportsperson, eat the right food and dress the right way, you don't belong. Reminds me of this Chinese parent taunting his own kid on an ice skating rink, one cold winter evening. He kept snapping at his kid -  "You go right back and don't bother returning if you haven't done your routine X times". While, I am, you know struggling to keep it together on the rink and taking frequent "breaks". I can't believe what I am seeing and I am thinking - "Whatever happened to loosening up? Jeez!"

Anyway, so I know I don't belong in the land of overachievers. I was pretty average in grad school and didn't care much then. And then boom, I graduate and I am holding to a job. I am constantly bumping into smart kids at work. That leads me to think that there is no escaping this phenomenon. So I can imagine how pressured kids must feel in this godforsaken generation.

But there is so much evidence that all this pressure is leading nowhere. Atleast if you are taking all this pressure to your head. Which is what the majority do anyway. So a like-minded co-worker and I are comparing notes on all the toppers in our school. I mean really all that exam stress, tears and avoiding friends and experiences for what? For a drab corporate job? Thank God for Software Engineering, we tell each other. It is a great equalizer. We can't talk for other professions. But here, you are what you do. Not your school accolades and other pressure cooker stuff like that. 

But try explaining that to parents. *Crickets chirping*

Ok. So now that we have established (I think) that overachievement is leading to nowhere but the same corporate job (yes, you overachieving people you heard that right. Sorry to break your heart), we can move on to our other opposite side of the coin.

The favorite lazy world beset with oodles of boredom and idleness. Because you know, Einstein said a lot of these things like - "The monotony of a quiet life simulates the creative mind". And who are we to question a great mind like Einstein no?

So we are wallowing around in the cozy nest of laziness. Showing up in bursts and trying to meet deadlines. Other times we are just switching between watching reality TV and spraying graffitis all over social media on how excited we are about reading a book (that was probably the only book we read in the entire year). Einstein didn't mean this I am sure. Theory of relativity wouldn't exactly come out of just another lazy day. Yeah, I know acknowledging that is sort of unsettling. But it is the sad truth.

For once, either sides of the coin are taking us nowhere. In fact even all that charade about passion and following your passion is becoming a painful cliche these days. It is only adding fuel to all that confusion. The single most common sense (but not so common) answer arises. The problem is we never ever acknowledge our flaws or our vulnerabilities. 

You almost always never hear people say - "Oh yeah, I am fat. Check." or "Oh yeah, I am average. Check." You almost always hear people say - "Oh no, I am fat. I must die." or "Oh no, I am average. I am a failure."

Shame, you see, is the single most determining factor in our lives. And this is overpowering our abilities to make a dent in our worlds. Instead, we want to patronize those who we think are perfect. 

Perfect people are those who have embraced their flaws. Perfect people are not perfect, they are flawbulous. This is the only revealing fact we need to practice in our lives. This is the same trick Lady Gaga used when she posted her non-photoshopped pictures on the Web. This sounds like an anti-climax. But this is our only redeeming factor - for all those years of lives wasted, being ashamed, terrified and panicked about our flaws. 

In the end, there is only one way that coin can fall. Into the garbage, where it belongs. 

The No-Regrets Policy

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Sometimes (ok, most of the times) I get up in the morning and jump right into the morning rush. No prayers, no thank you's, no good mornings, no nothing. I am snoozing till the last nano second and then I am jumping out of the bed, right into the shower.

Not good.

The whole concept of a morning ritual struck me odd, for a really long time. My inner voice kept saying - "Really, look at that. All the fools going through an elaborate time in the morning doing stuff, when they could actually catch some precious snooze time." You know inner voice, you were wrong, all the way. The essence behind morning rituals is to look at yourself, reflect and set the pace for the day. I ask you, how many times has it happened that a bad start to the day resulted in a productive rest of the day? Zero, I can bet. Because you didn't set the tone for your day. You didn't speak to your mind and tell "Hey mind, I have done good so far. I am healthy, happy and wise so I thank God and family and friends for all the good things. Today is going to be rocking, as usual."

And then there is this whole "looking back" business. You know, looking back is always a tricky thing. You focus so much on the negatives, the wrong stuff that has happened. If only, that certain something, event or incident didn't happen.

Let me tell you something today. "If only" are the two most dangerous words. Ever.

Because you are looking at yourself in the mirror and saying things like -

"If only, my skin didn't break into pimples all the time."

"If only, I was not fat like this."

"If only, I hadn't splurged like that on food or shopping or whatever last night."

"If only, I had performed good enough to get that promotion at work."

"If only, I knew I was such an idiot then."

"If only, I didn't get into this relationship."

You get the drift. 

The problem with regretting is it continues in an infinite loop. Never ending self-inflicting physical and mental pain, becomes a habit. There are probably a thousand times when I said - "No I am not going to regret and feel self-pity." But you give up fighting and jump right into the regret loop. Because your mind is tuned to that.

Now, how the hell am I supposed to break this loop you ask?

I think, the answer (like everything else), lies in the way we form habits. By habits, I simply mean small changes. Instead of telling "I am not going to regret, why not form some habits that are going to change the regret filled regret behavior?"And that is why this whole brouhaha about morning rituals. Because really the people who are getting up in the morning a little early, and praying and spending time with family and kids or just meditating aren't fools. They are performing, right there, the ritual that breaks the regret loop (perhaps even unintentionally). 

The problem with rushing through your morning is you really give no time for your mind to find and hook onto something that will help you through a possibly nasty day. Then you are jumping from one task to another. You are getting sucked into the vortex of emotions that will make or break your day, without your permission (unbelievable how something else controls your life!). Is that how you want your life to be? Give it up, for some unknown entity to drive it. And then do self-bashing about things you could have achieved. If only?

Of course, looking back itself is not a one stop solution to regret. In fact it can morph into the problem itself. Because either you could look back and tell "Hey, I had a crappy X no. of years so far. What did I achieve?" or tell "Hey, I had the most beautiful X years so far. Beautiful and nasty experiences that have shaped my personality and I am ready for all the challenges"

So looking back is good, only to take you forward. The answer then, lies in habits - like the morning ritual. It sets the tone for your day. Even if it means 5 minutes of waking up early and counting your blessings, do it. Do it every single day. Don't break that chain. Slowly see that turn into a habit - like brushing your teeth or tying your shoe laces. It becomes mechanical and becomes a part of you. If need be, get someone to be your support system - friend, spouse, family, colleague, whoever. Someone who reminds you to get back in line. To keep your regret-free conditioning intact.

Regret is the single most evil thing that has happened to humans. It just gets worser and worser if ignored. I am a victim and I am stage three (no this is not even funny). I am ready to fight this, head on. 

It is astonishing how this whole "escape from stress and regret" thing is a multi billion dollar business. 

No amount of indefinite vacation or a 5 day yoga retreat is going to change your habit of regret. The only change that will make a dent in this is change - slow, consistent and sustainable change. 

You need to say to yourself - "Today is the most important day of my life. And I wont let it pass in regret for something that is already gone by. For some bullshit that you wouldn't even remember a few days from now."

If only I never used the two words - If only. (See I did that again! Regretting like that)

Girl, Interrupted

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Yes, I sort of liked that movie. But I am not going to talk about the movie here. However, you are free to draw parallels between the movie and the below post, as you please. You will see the connection (well, almost)

So here I am, all alone, solitary, single (well, not exactly, I am committed but not quite the official news). Now come the good parts about it. You are free to do what you like. You are free to while away your time. You are free to look silly, do silly, talk silly. You are free to lock yourself up and daydream and curse and get envious about everything and everyone. You can cry foul when things don't go your way - you know like, how I am a single girl, independent but still the society is callous to me, sort of thing)

Good parts end right there though.

In come the talking aunts, girlfriends, neighbors, acquaintances, storekeepers, janitors, gym trainers and so on and so forth (without any gender bias, please feel free to count men also). You get the drift. And they all freely talk about the single most hotly debated topic in the Indian milieu - My marriage.

I mean forget the slumping economy, the surging food prices, communal violence and disturbing scale of scandals in the country. Leave all that aside. Let's focus on the most important crisis - my marriage. 

Of course, they are all just concerned about me. #sarcasm

A typical conversation even with a close friend starts with a "How are you? Long time" and jumps abruptly to "Marriage ka kya hua?". It feels like a Himesh Reshammiya song ringing in your ears all the time. "Oooooooo....marriage...oooooo". (Yes, I know you know. Just wanted to sound dramatic)

Of course, my close friend is concerned. Lets say hypothetically I do marry, ok. Then what? Will it be "Babies ka kya hua?". This is like a never ending sequel. Remember that movie Lethal Weapon? I could never keep a count of the sequels of that movie and I just gave up one day. Same thing I will do here - give up and pay no attention to any sentences with keyword "marriage". Blanket rule.

Even if I go to grocery store, the guy who checks the bill on my way out looks at me weirdly. I secretly think even he is wondering about my marriage. The other day, the bank guy asks me the same. Asks me if I have a joint account with my husband. No, I do not have a husband FYI. But I can get me a fictional husband, if you like. Anyway, I don't believe in this joint account business (yeah, I am sort of like that. A girl with a strong set of beliefs. Ok, actually, it was because of my dad. He kept saying right from when I was 4 years old - never keep a joint account, b****** will take all your money and run off. Classic. He just drilled that thought into me, didn't even wait till my puberty. So the other day as I watched Satyamev Jayate episode on domestic violence, mom goes wide-eyed and tells - "See, dad was right". Mom and dad don't have a joint account btw. Nice trusting couple there.)

I have one doubt though. People are visibly upset when they know I am not married, and happen to know my age (which btw, I will not tell you because then you will ask me about marriage). Why are they upset? Shouldn't my parents or I be the one who should be upset?

Frankly if you ask me, it is easier to file taxes being single. I don't even know what's with that dependent healthcare and joint taxes bullshit. And I am not looking forward to figuring that out. As if I have less paperwork to do.

And after all this, I go home one day and I see mom I immediately blurt out "marriage". She honestly thought I said "drainage". (Mom has a hearing problem. Too many Sun TV serials have taken a toll on her. All that yelling and drama in those serials I tell you).

Although it would be weird if mom and I wanted to play a game like that - Chalo, lets play "marriage marriage" today.  Only barbie dolls in a dulhan's dress would be missing (btw do they make that? That will make an interesting gift to someone I know).

Yet another day, I was in my "Why God, why me only?" depression mode because of some unexpected happenings. At tough times like that, I open youtube.com and search for "feel good movies". (Btw, the search results for that phrase suck. And I always see two ads, no matter what the keyword search - Hangouts on YouTube and Dhanush is back with his new single. How are they relevant to my search I don't know. This is heights only :-/). Frustrated, I opened the hindi movie, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun. That movie has been my friend in the harshest of times. Only later, I realized that movie is all about marriage, baby cermonies and funeral. Irony. More depressed I got.

Thankfully, I found respite in an amusing climax scene in the movie Life in a Metro -
Konkana Sen runs to Irrfan Khan's marriage to confess that she is in love with him but the man interrupts and says "Lekin petticoat, blouse sab uske naap ka sil gaya hain. Itna late kyun bol rahi ho?” (But the wedding dress has been stitched to the bride's measurements. Why are you confessing so late?).

Even the latest library book I checked out, had an entire section dedicated to relationship and baby advice. I picked it up thinking it was a business book (They sold it as a book that applies business theories to life.  Also it had 5 star reviews on Amazon. Got pawned there. Honestly, who wouldn't be tempted to read a book whose title reads - How will you measure your life? Ok maybe not you.)

But seriously, a single Indian girl can take only so much. Enough is enough.

*Insert an imaginary picture of me standing in temple yelling at God angrily about the injustice*

Someone asked me this week about pros and cons of relocating to India after living in the US. Remind me to write this rant in my reply to that enquiry.

The Coffee Metropolis

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Frustrated I looked up from my laptop - "Why isn't there any Internet in this place?"

We were seated in one of the swankiest coffee places in Hyderabad.

A shrugged. "Let me ask them", he offered to help.

I was just getting in the zone there, ready to whip up some code.

And now, I was staring at some "404 - Not Found" page.

I leaned back into the couch, which I thought was slightly uncomfortable. House flies settling in on the already empty cup of Macchiato and bits of sandwiches we had so hungrily devoured an hour ago. And the air conditioning, intentionally switched off, made the air more humid and dry than outside.

One of the coffee waiters came by. "Madam, Internet is not working?"

"Yes", I said with no intention of hiding my irritation.

"Please try this password madam..."

"Yes, yes. I already did. It doesn't work."

The guy threw me a helpless look. "Don't know madam" and flashed a grin as if he was providing me some good news.

I started to ask him if there was a time limit of some sort on the Wi-fi usage, instead I withdrew and gave up. "OK", I sighed.

"I knew it. I should have just downloaded the API docs", I yelped in frustration to A.

This was pointless. With nothing to do, I shut my laptop and looked around.

Scores of young girls in skirts shorter than I had ever seen. With strapless tops that generously exposed their arms and backs. And with mouths that seemed to continuously talk and eyes fixated on their smartphones, their hands twirling the straws and cups flirtatiously.

"Who are these people?", I ask A suddenly aware of the people sitting there.

"And what are they doing here? Where do they get all the money from?". I kept going.

A shrugged again. "I guess kids have more money these days than I thought. I don't even know what's that thing they have ordered there. Whatever that is, looks expensive."

I frowned in agreement. I turned my attention to another set of people - mostly couples.

In my most critical tone I ask "Don't these people have work to go to?"

"Probably one of us", A joked.

"I assume we have been working till this damn Internet gave up on us?", I shot back in defense.

"Anything else madam?", one of the other waiters came by.

"No", I reply dryly.

I tilt my head and ask A, "Do they want us to leave or what?"

"Guess so",  he guffaws.

I usually would get a book to read as a backup. Today I hadn't. Perhaps I was supposed to "chill" at coffee places like these. The only problem is I have no idea what "chilling out" means. Daydreaming, I do - if it doesn't come with a price tag like this. Could I daydream without pouring so much money over a coffee please?

In the US, I love coffee places for being unsolicitous about customers. You could just go in and do things of your choice. No one would bat an eyelid. Read a book, gaze at passersby, gaze at art, daydream, code, play with legos. In India, there has never been a "character" to coffee houses. It is always the same. Young teenagers hanging out or couples cozying up. Where was all that youthful camaraderie and sprouting enthusiasm among groups they are supposed to foster?

Indian coffee places have in fact morphed into these lazy lounges. I have nothing against that. Only that it has become more of a norm in EVERY coffee place I go to. It is disappointing. And now its coffee places with dimmed lights - like it's a bar. Please!

Until I spent some years in the US, I never imagined coffee places to be these think tanks and breeding grounds for some of the revolutionary ideas. In India, that is not encouraged. In fact, anything outside the norm is not. I hope that changes soon.

And so with that hope and indirect hints from the coffee crew to leave, I head back home.

I strike out this coffee place from my mental list of "my favorite coffee places". This list looks rather empty as it is.

And its pink!

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Look at what I got in mail today. (Unless you are Sherlock Holmes, you are not to mention my dirty laundry and crummy gym bag in the background)

A giant pink costume?


No silly, its a bean bag  (apparently they sold me on it because you can contort and make shapes off it. They got me at creativity.)


The immediate reaction I had when I impatiently ripped apart the huge cardboard box it came in, was this:


I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE*


No, it wasn't the stingy amount of beans they have inside it (Seriously, what were they thinking? Its a fucking bean bag, put some beans in it you stingy morons!)


No it wasn't even the failure to hold shapes (so much for creativity, baah!)


No, it wasn't even the strange stench that comes with it (I gather it is a "factory setting")


But it was this very apparent, blatant, in-your-face pink color.


Pink. Whaaaaaat?! I was raven mad. But but but...I ordered it in Fuchsia. I mean that word "fuchsia" sounded so EXOTIC! And in the pictures it looked more red than pink. I should have fucking looked up Fuchsia.


Here is what wikipedia has to say about Fuchsia (as I read it now, a tad too late eh?)


"Fuchsia (pronunciation: /ˈfjuːʃə/, few-shə) is a vivid reddish or pinkish purple color named after the flower of the fuchsia plant, itself named after the German scientist Leonhart Fuchs. Fuchsia is a synonym formagenta."

THEY GOT ME AT FUCHSIA!

* I am a serious Arrested Development convert. I tend to use their quotes in all my conversations as if I was born to talk that way.


PS: Also Blogger wants to be a bitch and upload images from Picasa only. They go all Vista-type-circling-cursor over me if I try to upload images from my computer. *Miffed*


PPS: No it is not a Valentine's Day gift. I mean, I assumed that you sort of assumed...you know.

Nails & More

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Yes I am talking about fingernails.

The first time I came to US, this struck me odd. What is the deal with so many "Nails" stores?

Ok, this is the second thing that struck me odd. First one was shelling out 3$ odd for a tiny bottle of water. But nails? This is taking it too far, don't you think?

And slowly I discovered this is a nails obsessed country. Manicure, they call it.

This nails thing cant evade you for long. I log into Instagram, atleast a third of the pictures are of nail paint. Amusing. (Another third is of course cute Asian chicks)

Seriously, what's the big deal about nails?

I think this blog lacks theme

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Yes, that's what someone told me. Recently.

What, I thought having no theme was the cool factor about this blog. No? And that was the end of the conversation. Seriously, some people take things too seriously. By some people, I mean myself. Maybe I must watch more of Arrested Development. That is if I get time off from Twitter, Instagram (my latest crush on Web), iTunes U. God knows what else is lying out there on the Web. Maybe Tumblr? I am too chicken to even go down that route. Too scary, this Internet addiction. Notice how I didn't mention Facebook?! Well you have a keen eye, my dear Watson. It happens that I can live without Facebook. There, I said it. So slowly, I must eliminate my favorite website pit stops one by one.

So back to the blog-lacking-theme thing. I must do something about it no?

At first I thought all my rants would make for a cute collection. That was way back in 2006. You know when I was young, naive (ahem!) and so full of life that I thought my blog was the next big thing to happen to mankind. And then slowly, it was all consumed by laziness when I moved to grad school. Then I relocated a LOT and that consumed all my time. Then I thought I was too busy doing the home to office to home routine. Go ahead, call it bullshit. Because it is precisely that bullshit.

Picture tho abhi baaki hain mere dost! (Translate that, oh Google Translate;))

Then I said "Heck I am the next Julia Child". I started posting a lot of recipes. People will eat this up (pun intended), I thought. A strange thing happened, blogger started puking all over when I put up some nice big ass photos because it was running out of space. Sigh! Whatever happened to the promise of unlimited storage? x-(

So I moved all my cooking posts elsewhere. Naturally, I was more excited about that blog now. So "being-manju" was never the same. The randomness increased even more. Days, weeks and then months without blog posts. Not even those cute rants anymore (wait, you thought they were cute, right?)

Each day I started inventing new ideas. Once it was a writing challenge. Then it was about self-help posts. Then I thought curating some web links would be great (turns out it lasted only one week). Then I attempted short stories. Then I thought I will go "Shit my dad says" way...by journaling everything my dad talked (moments of desperation, my friends) Then I cooked up a "one happy post a day" about something that made me happy each day. Again, turns out being happy is a tough thing yo!

There I said it. Dangerously honest post, this.

So here I am, sitting and writing this apparently random post. Life has become so "sigh" right now.

What to do?

PS: I don't even know what to label this post as. Rant? Yes, rant it is.

Women in Tech - NOT

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I must have read a zillion articles about Women in Tech so far.

I don't get it. If women are not interested in Tech, so be it.
I mean, we aren't exactly talking about not having enough men practicing ballet dancing for example, are we? So what's the deal with no enough women in technology positions?

If a woman would rather want to be a great architect, writer, dancer, singer, fashionista...so be it.

I am not against the exposure to technology (as it is, women are exposed a lot more than before to technology). In fact, educating about technology is good, for both men and women. It is a good place to be in to make some quick money, support yourself and supplement your passion with the tech knowledge. Seriously. That's the best thing to do even if a woman isn't that into programming as a career.

In fact it is nature like. Not ruling out exceptions, boys love games and girls don't. Girls love fashion, boys don't. Girls are more expressive and boys are not. Boys love cars, girls not that much. So let boys be boys and girls be girls and they all will have fun. That's how it is supposed to be like. So STFU everyone and go back to work. Too much pressure.