So are you always like this?

Tweet

Yeah. I have been asked that a lot of times.
And well its not annoying anymore. I jus thought, "let it be!"

There were like a 100 times when dad talks to me and I reply in monosyllables until..

Dad: So thats the thing. I hate that neighbor. He barfs as hell. He is such a [beeeeeeeeeeep]
Me: Hmmm
Dad: ..he is such a dumbwit. He doesnt even know that such a thing existed. Can you believe that?
Me: Hmmm
Dad: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Hmmm
Dad: I am hanging up!!
Me: Actually, there is this totally cool movie I am watching.
Dad: [click]

the fone tone goes on for eternity and i go back to my movie.

The other day ma friend asked me "Are you always like this?"
I said "Like what?" with the most innocent face I could make up. But that did'nt stop her from saying "Ok. Forget it!"

Or..this one..you gotta hear this one.

X: So your voicemail. Its interesting.
Me: Yeah i know. I was walking down the curb and thought hey why not set up my voicemail. And then I am at loss for words. I actually start talking and then i take this long pause.
X: No, I mean..its hideous ur voicemail
Me: Well you just said its interesting. did'nt you?
X: I mean what is that rhyme in it?
Me: Its called creativity
X: Are you always like this?
Me: Like what?
X: I mean..
Me: No! Tell me! So many people tell me this "Are you always like this?"
I wana know like what! Really! Tell me! Today is one of those "Tell it to me" days. So tellllll me!
X: Forget it!

Well one of the movies i wanted to start downloading..laters with this post.

I heard someone wincing "Are you always like this?" or maybe I am conditioned into hearing that stuff ;)

And yeah, next time some one asks you "Are you always like this?" and you wana tell me that, I believe you! Oh yeah!

Pivot Tables versus Me

Tweet

It was a rather friggin' day.
A mid term and then you walk astray.
You donno wot to do
When there is a call for an interview

No! Am not trying too hard to sound rhymy.
My thoughts jus' poured into a rhyme. Thank you very much.!

An excerpt from the interview..

Lady: So, MAN-joo is that how they pronounce your name? [Giggles]
Me: [Not cross! With the most expressionless look] Yes

Note: I gave up explaining Americans how the first three letters of my name isnt an offshoot of the english word "man" but its a vicious world. They jus' dont wana listen to you! They jus' wana eat you and call you MAN

Lady: So you mentioned you have prior work experience on campus?
Me: (the same expressionless face) Yeah.

Lady: Can you tell me a li'l abt it?
Me: (yaawwwwn) It was an office assistant job

Lady: So what kind of stuff you got to do?
Me: (Felt like faking euphoria about ma previous job. But i let it pass.) It was the normal office chores. Photocopying, attending calls, faxing..stuff like that

Lady: Do you know pivot tables?
Me: (Excuse me!) Blank expression

Lady: There was this nice Indian guy who worked with us previously. He did those pivot tables

Lady2: Oh Debbie you dont! You love him so much for pivot tables you would wana search where he is now and get him back dont you?

Lady: I mean it was so awesome. Pivot tables are so awesome.

Lady2: Ya, you always tell me that! (Looks towards me and says) She always tells me that!

Me: (Totally clueless. What is happening here?) Nodding

Lady: So, do you know pivot tables?

Me: (Same blank face) No

Lady: Oh thats a shame!

Me: (wtf!) Isnt this an office assistant job?

Lady: You mentioned Excel on your resume.

Me: (Correcting her) Parts of Excel. I wrote that in there in my CV

Lady: Ya, but you know pivot tables are so awesome.

Me: (Somebody jus' wipe her away from the face of this earth) But that is not a part of the job description you advertised.

Lady: (Shoots a cold look for a brief instant)

Lady2: errr..so manju aside from office chores did you do anything else?

Me:(Oh ya! I socialised with this fat lady in my office and talked about pigs often with her! Duh!)
Well, I used to come early to work, pull up the blinds, turn off the answering machine..stuff like that.

Lady: So...

(one more time she says pivot tables I swear i was ready to storm out of the room but she dint)

Lady:...can you make me a cup of coffee?

Me: Is that a part of this interview?

Ladies laugh. I guess they eased a bit now.

Lady: I cant live without coffee you know!

Lady2: Me too!

Me: Hahaha (like it was a BIG joke! But I swear i didnt know how to react to this)

Lady: So manju temme will you do coffee for us?

Me: Sure i will if you pay me by the cup! And not by the hour!

Lady: (Laughs)

Lady: So describe a crisis situation you were in before and what you did to come out of it.

Me: (I was aching to tell, for example am in a crisis situation now. Stuck with two insane ladies who jus think the world of pivot tables and coffee. To come out of it I can act like am going into a coma??) I screwed up my company's SMTP server once.

Lady: Blink
Lady2: Blink

Me: Its a long story. I came out of it by just informing my manager about it and sought help.

Lady: OK

Me: (Wow! I shut her up! LOL)

Lady: We have another round of interview now.

Me: (Wot da hell???? Wot????)

Lady2: Come with me Manju. You need to do a li'l exercise for us.

Me: (Are you kidding me???)

Lady2: (Takes me to a desktop, logs me in and says) You need to write a small draft. We would want to rate your writing and articulating abilities

Me: (Havent I displayed my marvellous articulation back in there?) Yeah. Sure.

Lady2: You have 30 mins for this activity

Me: (Dont even bother! Am gona shoot this off in like 5 mins. Gimme the damned desktop now)
Alrite. Can i go ahead now?

Lady2: Please do. Once your done, take a print and slip the paper in if am not around. I might be gone.

Me: (You cant put me up with this lame stuff and go out for a smoke!) Ok. Not a problem.

I did finish in like 8 mins. I found her and gave her the paper.
She did the customary "It was nice talking to you" and I did the customary "Same here"

Came out and breathed in some crisp evening air.

Did i jus' tell her it was nice talking to her? Somebody kick me!

I wanna sue life! x-(

Tweet

Life's so cliched these days.

Ya, i like to put it that way than rather say life is routine.
It sounds so cliched doesnt it?

I met this super woman at a conference last week.
It blew me off! The way she could talk her way out of things, her hardships, her triumphs, her experiences and her commitment to work and life, to everything that mattered, her family, her kids, her friends. It was all so inspiring. And yet she was so humbly humble! (if there is such a thing as humbly humble!)

Anyway, my point is, life gets cliched when you dont sit up and think in ur head, think for urself.
What do i wana get out of MY life.?
No this isnt a self help book.
Am serious! Am screwed up most of da times, but i can still do this "am serious" thing at times.

Each passing day, we dont realise how we might be ruining dos moments which can MAKE ur life the way you want it to be.
Why should we think in the same lines? What after college? What after ma first job? What after marriage? What after kids?

Its like we are trained to do this. All so robotic!
'
There are days when I have walked on a road without even as much a thought as "is it da right way am going?" because my mind and body are automated to walk that road evry single day so ma mind wont "think". The mind has been put to sleep. It jus' leads me to the place I wana go..magical isnt it? Its devastatingly mechanical, if u ask me x-(
Your mind isnt in control about what you do, where you go, coz it has seized to think.

And life plays its little games on you!
Life is what you make it to be. So its that part of ma life where am sitting up and doing some "soul searching" (beat da heck outta exams and homeworks!! who cares! people do. but they dont rule ma life, do they?)

I, me, maself

Ya i know i am such a self centered swine. But I love maself too much and am proud of me.
To others, I am gona sue you! x-(
Am done sueing life

Amen.

Perspective

Tweet

Is the sun rising or setting?

Courtesy: My software engineering class :)

..And even if it kills me am gonna smile :=)

Tweet

So says my facebook 'Quote for the Day' app.

Its amusing how people cannot get themselves to smile these days.
And wots more amusing is its taken a toll on me.
Its like I have been trained to do the 'dont-smile-at-people-becoz-they-dont-smile-at-you-neways-so-why-shud-you' act!(phew. that was long!)

I mean, you hav'nt got like the crumbiest teeth have you?

You jus' walk down the road and you see how people are scheming on how to steal glances at you and not smile or plain dart their eyes and roll them down like they are in deep thought.

Like there is this friend o' mine, he knows me, we took courses together and yet he cant bring himself to acknowledge me with a smile. Heck, you dont hav to socialise to smile!

Or there is more pronounced trend amongst us(or so i think!)..You walk by, on a road, sum crowded joint, library or simply by the classroom and you see this person walkin towards you..and your mind starts to race (ya, mind! not da heart.dats a totally different story neway;)).

/me versus mind

me: heck, should I?
mind: who, what?

me: ders smone coming dis side. vaguely familiar.
mind: oh ummm.so?

me: shud I?
mind: huh?

me: shud i errr..smile?
mind: is dat smthing you ought to think so much abt. it aint rocket science. so do it dammit!

me:

the person walks by

me: seeeeeeeeee! he dint even know me! i feel like a fool.
mind: lol. wot a loser! move on girl! see..ders sum eye candy der by the water fountain. watcha think?

so you see folks, listen to your mind.
And ya, SMILE! Even if you dont know me;)

And thats how you build character..

Tweet

If you ask me this whole thing about "building character" is bullshit.

There was a time when i jumped around in skirts, basking in ma outdoorsy delights (playing marbles! yayyyy!!)
or simply taking pride in ma elementary school victories (winning a lemon-n-spoon contest! yayyyyy!)

But dad wud'nt think so! x-(

He wanted me to clean the porch or cut vegetables for mom or learn "how to pay the home electricity bill"
Becoz he thot it builds character.

I argued "How can standing in one long queue outside a govt. office drenching in ma own sweat and praying that ma turn to pay the bill came soon, build character?"
Its supposed to give me a headache, if you ask me!

Or there was a time when I was sick and crawled upto him one nite and said, "Dad, i wana puke." and he said, "There's the bathroom. You know what to do".
"You know wot, i dono how to puke! So you better get out of the bed!"

And thats when after da bathroom hustle I was lectured more on character building.

Later as I began to stay out of home, I finally said to maself "Manju, no more character building.!"

Along came "cleanliness" freaks, "perfectionist" team leads, "organized" roommates
All of them with a single motto "character building is the crux of life"

Now when ma dad calls me, he often asks
"So are you guys paying up your bills in time?"

To which I reply, "Yeah. All the character building apparently has gone ONLINE"

Why can't I ever build character in a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
-- Calvin

Eavesdropping & more..

Tweet

Girl at walmart counter: So how u doin' today?
Desi guy: [Dumbstruck..stares at the girl]
Girl: Everyting ok with you sir?
Desi guy: [Wakes up] What?

Me [on fone]: Vet Med Park. This is Manju. How may I help you?
Caller: Ma pigs..
Me: Am sorry (?!??)
Caller: Ma pigs..they are sick.
Me: huh?
Caller: Ma pigs are sick. They dont eat anymore. Wot do i do?
Me: Err..Am sorry ma'm you dialled the wrong number
Caller: Isnt that what a vet is supposed to do? You medicate ma pigs!
Me: Am sorry this is College of Veterinary Medicine. We DO NOT take care of animal medication or consultation and..
Caller: [Getting hysterical] But they are sick!
Me: You need to check the yellow pages ma'm
Caller: So can you gimme the number?
Me: [ha so clever!] Sure.

[At the bus stop]
Girl to Guy: So, what's ur number?
Guy: 979-blah-blah
Girl: Aha. So we meet this Sat to get the homework done?
Guy: Yep
Girl: I have this American Association blah blah meeting I gotta attend. And there's the first meeitngof Origami society after that. So it might take me sumtime to get started on the homework
Guy: [Nods]
Another girl waving at the girl: Heyyyyyyyyy Michhhhelle..[Hugs] Howwww are yaaaa?! I missed yaaa..
Girl: Awwwwwwwwww
Guy: [Crossing his eyebrows and staring]
Girl: I misssed you tooooo
Girl # 2: Oh you dint!
Girl: i did!
Girl # 2: Did not!
Girl: Did!
Girl # 2: Did not!
[Phone rings]
Girl: Heyyyyyy Stephhh!!! howwww r yaaa??? i missed ya..
Girl: Oh my god! Ohhh - myyyyy - goddddd
Girl # 2: [Shaking her hands, legs, hips in a frenzy..] What? What happened?
Girl: Ok!!!! i will be there in a jiffy.
[Hangs up]
Girl # 2: Whatttttttt??
Girl: We are having a party tonite. We gotta get supplies and cook and..
Girl # 2: ohhhh-myyyyy-goddddd! Shudddddddup!
Girl to guy [as she runs off]: Hey J#$%^%. Gotta go! C ya around.
Guy: [Smiles]

Girls walk away

Guy: BITCH!!!!


At a career fair presentation..
Chinese Guy: So is it is the you do fy-nance see-ayl and aaaaa solutions and wan(t) still to ty-ke petroleum ma-jores for soft-wire????
Representative: aaaah, can u repeat the question?
Chinese Guy: [Repeats]
Rep: huh..ya [nods, without a clue about what he was asked]
Chinese Guy: So is it is the work giv-and to thy ma-jores from pet-roll-eum not rel-oh-vent to the areas of inter-rest of what we dooo at compass and how is it go-ing to bene-fitt the comp-ony and you?
Rep: huh..ya. huhhhhhhhh..ummmm
Desi: He wants to know how you are benefitting by recruiting petroleum majors though you are essentially into creating financial software solutions.
Rep: Ohhhhhhhhh! Oh that..ok. it goes like this..blah blah blah

LOL !

On skydiving, clicking pictures & pregnant ladies

Tweet

An hour of software engineering classwork:

Me: [walks in. Front rows are empty. Damn! There isnt any place at the back. Damn!]
Lively (professor): What time is it?

Me: huh?

Lively: When does the class begin?
Phoren guy: 3 pm!

Lively: And wot time is it now?
Phoren guy: 3.10 sir!

Lively: Okkie then. I wud appreciate if you guys come to class in time
Me: Duhhh!

Lively: [paces up and down] you thereeeee!!
[Points at a guy behind] Have I taken your picture?

Guffaws..

Guy behind: Yes you have

Lively: hmmm. I dont remember ya. Anyone who hasnt, get your picture taken after the class.Now leme see if i can get your names and faces right.

Lively: [looks at me] Joshi?
Me: Naa..Manju.

Lively: Yeah. You take out your glasses and let your hair down for a picture and then you come all tied up other times. How am i supposed to know its you!?

Me: [holy shitttt!!]

More guffaws

Lively: Girls and their hairstyles.okkie then lets begin the class.

Me: [finally! Time to doze ]

Lively: So what is web engineering? Anyone?
McMillan: Umm, its engineering of the web?

Plenty of Guffaws!

Lively: [paces up and down, faces the class and with a stoic expression] is it wot spiders do?

hahaha!

Lively: blah blah blah. So what do we call systems that can handle catastrophic situations? Anyone?

[pauses]

McMillan: fail-safe?
Lively: Who said that? Who?

Class goes into a lull.

Guy at the door: It came from that direction.

Lively: Mcmilllllllllllllllllan??????
McMillan: errr..

Lively: [eyebrows crossed] McMillan! Whats fail safe?
McMillan: Systems that are safe from failure?

hahaha

Lively: They are called fault tolerant..blah blah blah..Have you heard of the Mythical Man Month? Anybody?

Lively: Okkkie then. It says "Persons and months dont interchange". Or dooooooooooooooooooo they?????Ummm. What happens if they are 1000 developers working on one single project?

Desi guy [waiting to impress] : It leads to conflicts. There wont be a consensus and leads to low productivity

Lively: Good! Let me see. If a woman can give birth to a newborn in 9 months can 9 women do it in a single month??

Guffaws n guffaws!

Lively: Awwwrite! [Turns and stares point blank at me] What is the terminal velocity rate when you sky dive?
Me: [My wake up call!] 124mph!

Lively: You! Manju! You are gona make an A in ma class!
Me: I sure will!

Lively: I was testing if you guys lend me a ear when I talk gibberish.
Me: duhh!

yada yada yada

End of the class.

So anyone can tell me what I quoted about productivity?

Some voice in the class: 9 pregnant ladies?
Lively: Awwrite. Dont write that in ma mid term

How I cooked up blog titles and then ran out of steam..

Tweet

It happened on a sordid afternoon, 3 hours back, when in the parking lot me and ma lunch partner discovered....
helmet lock...that can open with any key(huh! wot did u think? wots great about a helmet lock? aint dat dumb. :x)

yeah...and then...i said in ma throaty voice (down with a bit of cold), lets blog abt it?

We lapped up a rotten meal for lunch and felt proud abt skipping an expensive looking restaurant for this rotten meal.
"Lets wash it up wid an ice cream cone", lp suggested

lp == lunch partner, for the uninitiated.

And then we skipped another expensive looking ice cream parlor..

"We can find a softie on our way bak to our abode", we proudly declared in chorus.

And then we dint spot an ice cream parlor newhere else.

"Wots wrong wid da world? Isnt there any sound person who nurtures the idea of opening an ice cream parlor?", I thought.

That's when I thot to hell wid blogging...to hell wid evrything..

If you cant get an ice cream, swell! Wot is life then about?

Life is then abt blog titles;) Exactly..Dint know if relating all ma past incidents across several posts was a gud idea..so I thot why not just end up with self explanatory blog titles!!!!
(Ya i welcum claps..thank u thank u!)

So here goes.

- How me and ma lp found dat his helmet lock opens wid ne damned key and no, human nails arent even close to opening it!

- How I impressed ma visa officer wid a crisp shirt and lots of grins and got ma visa of course!

- How I shopped at a store day after day and end the day with a hysterical fight evryday

- How I am learning to car drive with a barking car instructor who goes spookily silent on evry Mon, Tue, Wed and Sat

- How the li'l girl on the street nudged at me and said "Didi..chaaabi.." and I thanked god she called me didi and not aunty

- How I was treated to a farewell party and people kept asking me "Ur leaving right?" while I was still very much an employee

- And how at the same farewell party I intended to give a farewell speech and ended up sharing controversial anecdotes

- How i frantically Alt + Tab when ma lead comes to ma desk and still orkut will magically pop up upfront

- How I read "Tuesdays wid morrie" and went and asked ma dad "Are you suffering from ALS?" and next day made ma lp read da wikipedia on ALS.

- How I visited a money swindling doctor (and still visiting out of compulsion) and make him record da pulse rate, BP, weight, height and feel satisfied abt da whole affair being paisa-vasool.

Life I tell u...hmmm...dont even bother! I sign off here.
And wot are u doin here? Go watch Chitrahaar! Like I care! duhhh.

So, do you suffer from chair butts?

Tweet

That li'l thing called courtesy

Tweet

It started when dad's cellfone broke down..
No, actually it started with the bacteria (or is it micro organisms?)
that infected dad with cold and cough..

And since then dad's gone on a spree of medical check-ups.
And the best part is he (and also me) believe in taking second opinions.

YES! EVEN ON DIAGNOSIS!

Such is life.

And now dat means u also gotta collect the numerous
reports, x-ray scans etc etc. from these labs.

I head to the lab on ma bike, park, go in and casually ask
"Am here for Mr. ABC's X-ray report" and leaf out the receipt.

Woman at the desk: [Nods]
Me: [Waits]

'coz she's on the bleddy phone.

1..2..3..4..

I mean hello isnt she supposed to be answering me?
She's the friggin' receptionist here!

Woman at the desk: [Hands over a larger than A4 size X-ray in an envelope]

Me: [Relieved]

On the packet: "Mr. XYZ "

Now we all know XYZ is different from ABC. Aint we?

Me: Hello, this isnt the same as the name on da (friggin') receipt!

Woman on the desk: [Blushing]

No, I dint make her go pink..It was da guy mayb on da oder side of da fone.

Woman at the desk: [Grabs the large envelope from ma hand..
yes GRABS! Leafs thru and gives me the right one this time]

Me: Err..Would you have a polythene cover, you see the
thing is I cant carry this envelope since am driving and..

Woman at the desk: NOOOOOOOO!

Me: ..and I cant fold it! Thanks!

I really needed an envelope now. I come out of the lab
and I find maself asking at a medical shop counter.

"Do you think you would have a polythene bag to carry this?", pointing to the X-Ray

The middle aged guy (with dirty hands) nods his head sideways..

"Thanks!"

"Do you know a stationary shop nearby?"

This time the man shakes his head off..so long that
I thot his head would friggin' detach from his neck.

I take to ma heels..only to realise the bleddy medical shop
actually camouflaged a match box size stationery store RIGHT NEXT TO IT!!!

I mean is this guy insane? I just asked him if he knew a friggin' stationery?!
Could'nt he hav jus' friggin' opened his dirty mouth (am sure his mouth was dirty.damn.)
and gave me dat li'l piece of info?

I bumped into a small guy working in da store.

"Hey! I need a polythene bag for this", pointing at the envelope.

The li'l guy smiled and went in to search for one.

"Old one will also do", I shouted at his back.

Jus' when a woman in her mid-fourties gave me "wot da heck" look.

She apparently was the owner, parked in a dingy corner of da store.

"We got no polythene bag!!!"

"I thought the guy said you have.."

"No, we dont" she cut me bluntly.

"Umm, so wots dat there?", pointing to 3 polythene bags hanging from plastic hooks.

"I cant giv dat"

"I think it has waste paper in it."

"I cannot!!!"

"Yes you can. Now how abt if i buy this pen here?", I say pointing to a pen behind the glass panes.

"I WILL NOT giv you a polythene bag", she snaps

I bent over and looked at the li'l guy who had gone in..

She screamed her guts at the guy.
"Dont give her any bag!!!"

Hmmm.
I sumtimes wonder. Wot is with Indians and the lack of courtesy?
Arent we a civilized society? Or is this still the dark ages?

Oh in case your wondering how I carried the X-Ray home.
Well, it neatly fitted in the front dicky of ma bike :)
Go ahead, call me dumb! duhhh!

Abt a good samaritan, damp weather and view from a balcony

Tweet

After a whole day without work, bored of sitcoms and no mood to read..wot do u do?
SOS!

I strutted to the sit-out and perched on an old plastic chair, looked around.
Plain old watching the roads! Realised how much I missed out on this whole affair
of sitting in a balcony and reading people walking on da road.

The weather was damp from unexpected showers.

And no! I neva gotto smell the earth before the rains:(
'coz it was unexpected. Few clouds huddled together from nowhere
and made the air more humid.


2 pretty looking school girls in pajamas raced behind a dachshund.

A middle aged couple on their ritual evening walk

A delivery guy on a cycle delivering local magazines in da neighborhood

A security guy in da opposite mansion drinking chai

And a fallen tree on da road..

The cars drove past..making its way thru the fallen tree..

The two wheelers chugged along..they did not hafta make der way thru it..it was easy for dem..

Innumerable cycles wheeled across..

People walking past..deep in der muddled thots..


My eyes drooping and almost breaking into a late evening trance, when I see
a limping figure, should be atleast 80 years old, his head with a turban and coughing,
bending on the road and lifting the fallen branch of the tree..

He struggled a li'l but showed no signs of giving up..slow n steady pushing it to the side
As much as possible to the sides..

Then giving a long look at da tree..deciding its now a safe world for all, silently
retreated into the dark lanes..

"Did you c dat????", ma dad called from the side terrace overlooking the balcony.

"Yeah!!!!!!!!", i smiled.

"We need more people like him", concluded dad.