I am not on a feminist agenda. In fact, I don't even have an agenda. For a dreadfully long time I have observed and what I am going to talk about is an opinion I have formed based on these observations (and experiences).
When I was in high school, I used to take the public transport from school to home and back. The school itself is located in a city - the regular kind, bustling with activity. I am talking about the 90's here. One day, as I was walking down the road (like a lot of other school kids in bunches) towards the bus stop, two men, on a scooter came and grabbed by breasts, for a split second. They raced away with a sneer on their face.
For a moment, I was shocked. Then confused. Then shamed.
In an instant, my dignity was broken to pieces. And yet this was just one of the numerous (it bothers me to tell I cant even count) such incidents I have encountered in my life as a woman in India. I chose not to talk about this to my parents, boyfriend, friends or anyone I am close to. Well, flash news, groping is an everyday state of affairs in India - we just shrug about it and get on with our lives.
And nearly 15 years after that incident, I see this problem aggravating and spilling into other forms - savage rapes, brutal assaults and much more. Which makes this incident that I narrated seem so trivial. Every woman in India has gone through some form of abuse. Get me one woman who has not and I will tell you she has been phenomenally lucky. That would be a miracle.
I am not playing the victim card here. Hell no. There is something more deeper that has been nagging me for years. And that is the apparent apathy of men (and women) towards violence, assault and abuse targeted at women.
About 6 months ago, I happened to have a conversation with few of my male co-workers. They were contemplating about taking an offer to relocate to the United States. And hotly debating the pros and cons of such a move. The discussion steered towards "safety" and their conclusion was that USA is less safer than India.
This made me roll my eyes, for obvious reasons. And since I have lived for a considerable time there, I was curious to listen to their side of the argument.
"Why do you think USA is less safe?", I asked
"Well, there is nothing like mugging or gun violence in India. I feel we are more in harmony here and have good family values", a co-worker said.
"OK. I give it to you. Mugging in certain neighborhoods and unpredictable gun deaths are on the rise. But tell me how much of an opportunity you have had to walk at nights here, in the city?", I said
"I have been to plenty of deserted places in the city and nothing bad ever happened", he replies
"You mean you zipped across in your bike or car? That doesn't count. There is a far lesser probability of being vulnerable if you are inside a car with your windows rolled. That is not an anatomy of a mugging or any physical assault", I replied.
"Also tell me if you have gone to these places you are talking about with a woman companion and you felt that comfortable?", I add
"Well, women's thing is a separate issue".
The conversation stopped for me there. I blinked at him. It took me a good few seconds to understand what he meant by women's issues are separate issues. I am appalled at not just the indifference but how little men seem to know about the women in their lives. And this is what nags me to no end.
And in a broader sense, this is reflective of not just women's issues but also other issues in society. Why does it suddenly become a gender issue when it is focussed on a particular section of the society? The same happens to, for example, the LGBT community. I recently happened to watch a Telugu movie in a cinema hall that had repetitive, tasteless jokes on gays. Hey, I love humor but I can smell an offensive/racist remark when I hear one! And yet there we were, sitting in a modern multiplex, with people from qualified and educated backgrounds not feeling the least bit offended or perturbed. On the contrary, they had a good laugh on jokes that kept targeting the gays.
So it brings me to the critical question again - why didn't the audience feel offended? Simply because they tend to compartmentalize the issue as a gay issue.
A lot of Indians need to start having an opinion on things. I am bothered when educated Indians look at the media and newspapers reporting rapes and then pass a useless remark like "Too bad" or "This is so sad". I bet you wouldn't be just sad if it were some family member, would you?
I am not asking us to take to heart everything we see and hear. But at the same time I am appalled at how many Indian men have no clue. No clue at all the kind of things their female counterparts have to face on an everyday basis.
So I ask every Indian man - "Have you ever considered asking your mother/daughter/wife/sister what she felt like walking down the road? Or if she ever had any such problems of abuse?". I bet you didn't even think of asking them that. And why would you? Its a woman's issue not a man's.
For the countless times I have been told by my dad to be careful, "cover" myself appropriately, not to go out in the dark, ignore the nasty comments on road, I would have wanted him to instead ask me - "I am sure it must be hard, but can you tell me what sort of things you have/had to go through in public? I want to know."
If only.
You know that's all I ask - a patient listening and understanding from the men in my life. And why wouldn't I have a right to that? That is what family stands for. We pride about our culture and family values, what use are they for if you cannot even spare some time to get awareness and understanding of your own family's safety and well-being?
We live in an incredibly dangerous India. Where women have to go through humiliation on a routine basis and worse yet, be the victim of more serious forms of abuse. And then come home, only to be on the receiving end for more unsolicited advice from men in their family.
This is not a feminist movement it is called "Stand up for your the women in your life" movement.
4 comments:
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I would have wanted him to instead ask me - "I am sure it must be hard, but can you tell me what sort of things you have/had to go through in public? I want to know.
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Why should he ask you? He already knows what woman go through. That is why he is asking you to be safe and "cover" yourselves properly etc.
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A lot of Indians need to start having an opinion on things. I am bothered when educated Indians look at the media and newspapers reporting rapes and then pass a useless remark like "Too bad" or "This is so sad". I bet you wouldn't be just sad if it were some family member, would you?A lot of Indians need to start having an opinion on things. I am bothered when educated Indians look at the media and newspapers reporting rapes and then pass a useless remark like "Too bad" or "This is so sad". I bet you wouldn't be just sad if it were some family member, would you?
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Can't agree more. The sad state is, there is no debate/dialogue on policy among educated Indians. They just judge things on face value. Arvind Kejriwal or Narendra Modi will not solve our problems. We should learn to have opinions and reflect those opinions by engaging in the society in the form of NGOs, Voting, etc.
Firstly I understand that men in the family are concerned and protective. But constantly victimizing women takes a toll on their mental strength and self-esteem (we are asked to behave in a certain way, move in a certain way etc.) It is far effective in my opinion, to understand women's problems and give them moral support/practical advice to handle such situations tactfully. I would rather want to see men encouraging women to get fitter physically and mentally than resist any form of harassment. No one should resist harassment, men or women. No exceptions.
Secondly, how is "covering" myself properly helping me anyway? In a country where minor rapes are on the rise, that doesn't even make sense. How is a minor girl provocative? Why should women have to live in fear, "cover" themselves up and always be conscience of their surroundings like they are ready to be preyed upon?
It is far effective in my opinion, to understand women's problems and give them moral support/practical advice to handle such situations tactfully. I would rather want to see men encouraging women to get fitter physically and mentally than resist any form of harassment.
Absolutely agree!
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